beyondwords

what makes us cry

2012-01-16T23:47:00.002+08:00

"Italian critic Franco Moretti has argued, for example, that literature that makes
us cry operates via a special manipulation of temporality: what triggers our crying
is not just the sadness or suffering of the character in the story but a very precise
moment when characters in the story catch up with and realize what the audience
already knows. We cry, Moretti argues, not just because the characters do, but at
the precise moment when desire is finally recognized as futile. The release of
tension produces tears - which become a kind of homage to a happiness that is
kissed goodbye. Pathos is thus a surrender to reality but it is a surrender that pays
homage to the ideal that tried to wage war on it."

- Linda Williams, "Film Bodies: Gender, Genre, and Excess"

a trip that spanned across two years

2012-01-06T13:54:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year everybody!

Holidays are coming to an end for me, school is going to start in another 2 days time and I just returned from the land of Vietnam.

The countdown to 2012 was done in Vietnam, proving to be the first time I did a countdown in a foreign country, and it was pretty interesting experience (I can't put a finger down on whether it was surreal, but it might have been). I wrote previously about the concept of time and how it feels so real and yet so unreal - that was exactly how I felt when I was in Hanoi counting down to 2012 with 90% Vietnamese and 10% foreigners; I was pretty sure there were plenty of Singaporeans with me as well, at least, there were three other Singaporeans with me for sure.

The time zone in Vietnam is GMT +7, while in Singapore it is GMT +8, so technically we were an hour behind everyone in Singapore while we were up north. It was 11pm in Vietnam when everyone in Singapore reached 2012, and in a weird and small way, I felt it was 2012 too. Because deep down in my heart, even when I was in Hanoi, I felt and I knew I was a Singaporean. It is so hard to think of oneself as a local when you are in Hanoi, unlike a city such as Taipei where the language is not an issue. It felt as if everyone in Singapore has gone on ahead without us, to a 2012 that we were still an hour away.

But then, when the countdown began in Hanoi's city center next to the Hoan Kiem Lake and the sparklers started burning (there were no fireworks, which proved to be a disappointment; I wonder if I have gotten too used to fireworks back at home), I felt a sense of connection, like the New Year is the same for everyone. Everyone becomes delighted at the New Year, though for what reasons I do not exactly know. It is just the act of counting down together, dancing and singing on the streets that somehow connected us together.

And this, in a small way, brought us connection back to everyone in Singapore.

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Vietnam surprised me. And I surprised myself.

I suppose I could sum the trip up like that; although it does not do justice to sum anything that lasted 6 days into 7 words.

To be frank, I wasn't that excited before I touched down in the country. It was a country that I never thought I was going to visit, the language is unfamiliar to me, I don't know what I was looking forward to in a country such as Vietnam, in a city such as Hanoi. There isn't much to do anyway in a city where its main attractions are a lake, a mausoleum and museums. Of course, you can always top this up with pubbing, which technically can be found in any city. Halong Bay, with its status as a UNESCO Heritage Site, didn't really excite me either. I'm not really a sucker for beautiful landscapes anyway, and a thousand similar rock outcrops didn't sound like a prospect.

And for such low expectations, Vietnam certainly didn't disappoint. In fact, she surprised me. Sure, there really wasn't much to do in Hanoi. Halong Bay didn't have anything more than just rocky outcrops and mountains and caves. However, it was the Vietnamese people who captured my heart while I was there.

Our trip was divided technically into three parts: city tour of Hanoi, nature tour of Halong Bay, and a closing tour in Hanoi.

In the city tour, we went museum touring, looked at Ho Chi Ming's body in the mausoleum, did a count down, walked around the lake, shopped and ate. Shopping isn't too bad; I'm not much of a shopper but I found myself buying the most out of the four of us who were there in the first three days. I bought a beanie, and then a T-shirt, and then a sling bag. The sling bag was probably the only cultural Vietnamese item that I bought for myself, and it was my favourite buy.

We were, of course, scammed while we were in Hanoi. I wouldn't say SCAMMED really, but it was more like we were overcharged for things that we paid for. It was not unexpected. In Vietnam, you have a 99% chance of being scammed/overcharged the moment you open your mouth and speak in English, even if you are Asian and look pretty much like a Vietnamese. The only way to lower the chances of being overcharged is to speak their language.

It was the same feeling in Halong Bay - the feeling of being exploited and overcharged for something that is worth only a little. The food wasn't that fantastic on the tour (sometimes it was bland), drinks were not included and the tour wasn't that organised anyway. We went trekking and the guide wasn't even with us, which might be a good thing because it made the experience more exciting and adventurous. We went for a massage and it really wasn't that great anyway.

However, there was one thing that redeemed the trip for me, and in a way, changed me - the people.

Sure, they may be exploiting us because we couldn't speak Vietnamese. They may be overcharging us because we don't know what the hell was going on. But then, they were just making a living. Besides, its not like they were really scamming us. They are just charging a higher price than usual. Vietnamese are poor people, way poorer than Singaporeans, and that extra US$2 could have meant a lot to them. It could have gotten them a good meal for once, while to me, S$3 could just have gotten a plate of chicken rice.

It isn't much, when you think about it. When I got to see the smiles on the faces of the people, I really began to feel so happy. Vietnamese aren't bad people, they are just poor. And it takes so little just to bless them, and I don't see why I shouldn't.

When we finally got back to Hanoi from Halong Bay on the last day of our trip, I began to see Vietnam in a different light. They were nice people.

It's so easy to see them as horrible who are just out to scam us when we are with other tourists, especially those from the West. It's so easy to just feel horrible about the trip and think that Vietnam sucks when we keep complaining and busking ourselves in complaints and more complaints.

In Hanoi, as I began to look at the locals differently, I somehow managed to see that they aren't as bad as others might say they are. It became easier to shop when bargaining isn't just to bring the price lower, but to also interact with the locals in a more fun and meaningful way.

I suppose the one most memorable moment for me, was when I was sold a pack of snacks for 50000 Dong. It sure wasn't worth that much, and I could guess as much as I interacted with those who sold me that packet of snacks. The one selling was an old lady, and there were like two or three other younger Vietnamese with her too. The old lady couldn't speak English, so the other Vietnamese were translating for her (she was just peddling the snacks, and it just so happens that we were at a shop where the younger Vietnamese were). They were laughing to each other as I paid up the 50000 Dong, which sort of means I have been made a fool of, and so was the old lady. However, for the old lady, her laugh wasn't just because I have paid 50000 Dong for snacks, but because she managed to make so much money, she could probably enjoy a a better meal for once.

50000 Dong is only S$3. It wasn't a big deal for me and S$3 was worth it to make somebody's day.

For what I expected from Vietnam, I was really surprised - both by the people, and by how I changed my attitude to them.

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I didn't believe anyone who told me that I looked like a Vietnamese, until a Vietnamese told me the same.

you can only do so many things at once

2011-09-27T00:51:00.004+08:00

Multitasking - that is one skill which I have never had the chance to master, and probably never will. Some people find it easy, while others like me, find that it is the most difficult thing (or things) to manage.

No I am not talking about having to drive while talking on the phone and eat breakfast in the car at the same time. I am talking about a more macro version of multitasking: to commit to many things at a point in one's life.

This is my theory: every person can only ideally commit himself (or herself, but there is a theory that says females can multitask better) to a maximum of four commitments at any point in his life. Having more than four means that he will not be able to perform his best in any of these because his resources (time and energy) cannot be focused on an optimum level.

I do acknowledge that this may be different for different individuals because every person's energy levels might be different, but the amount of time given is constant, and the results can only vary so much.

Commitment comes in a variety of forms, but it's basically very simple. As long as a certain something demands that you commit a certain amount of time to it, it is a commitment. And the most common commitments are:

School/Work (including Part Time Jobs)
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Religion (usually Christianity)
CCAs
Some relationships (such as family or friends)

The list, of course, is not exhaustive.

Because it is my theory, and because I have developed it from my own life, it is not difficult to understand that I try my best to stick to just four commitments in my life. And they were: School, Girlfriend, Religion, CCA (Canoeing).

For me, friendships hold a very special position. Because for me the commitment of friendships, it is interesting to note, is shared among the four commitments in my life. This means that I maintain my friendships within the context of these commitments. While this may not be applicable to every person, it is perhaps safe to say that this applies to most persons. Friendships are maintained along the context of work, school, or religion. And this is why people classify their friends into "school friends", "work friends", or "church friends". (this warrants an entire article about having "spheres" in our lives, so I shall not dwell on it) So when I say "Some relationships" as one of the commitments that people engage in, I am referring to friendships beyond these spheres.

_________________________________________________________________

It is then time for an announcement.

I have only recently withdrawn from my CCA, Canoeing, because of a new commitment at this point in time. Yes I am no longer a canoeist, and I am sad about this because I have recently found much passion in the sport, and I made the decision to withdraw only after much deliberation.

In it's place as a commitment, is a research project under NTU's URECA programme with my film theory professor.

Initially, I was planning to forgo this research opportunity and continue with the team because I had no interest in post-graduate studies or even in joining the academia when I graduate. But after some discussions with friends and a good deal of reflection, I decided that this was the chance for me to carefully consider and see for myself whether academic research is something that interests me or not. Also, such an opportunity does not knock all the time, and I felt that it would be such a waste if I just let it go.

It was therefore with a heavy heart when I told my captain that I have decided to withdraw from the team because of academic commitments. I could have stayed on, but I decided not to because I did not want to discourage the team by my absence or even put a strain on the resources of the team when I am not giving my best.

So, I have effectively transformed from a canoeist to a research assistant (or more glamorously, "NTU President Research Scholar", as the programme calls it).

God really likes pushing me in areas where I have never considered before. I remember in 2004, I have never considered JC as an option for post-secondary education. I chose a polytechnic, but was sent to a junior college instead. I didn't think I would like to do English Literature when I was in secondary school or even junior college, but I ended up doing English Literature in university. I have never thought I would be doing academic research, and now I am in a programme meant for grooming academic research scholars.

Let's see where God is bringing me to this time.

In Decisions

2011-09-06T23:48:00.003+08:00

Alright, long hiatus from blogging. Totally couldn't find the time to do it. Besides that, I guess most of my writing energy went into my internship anyway, if there is such a thing. The internship is over now, so if you are wondering where all those writing went, it's all here: www.hometeam.sg

Let me start off this post with two facts of life.

Fact of life 1: We all hate making decisions.

Seriously. I hate making decisions. The most decisive person hates making decisions too. We all hate to choose, admit that. If I could have my say, I would want everything in the world, so I don't have to choose which ones I can have and which ones I can't. Because choosing something means giving up another.

If I wanna go travelling, what's the best thing to do? Go travel to every single goddamn country on this planet, and maybe discover some new ones in the process of course. Why bother to choose whether I wanna go to Paris or America, or China or Japan? Just say, I wanna f-ing travel. And travel everywhere.

And what's the best transport you can ever dream of? Of course it's a luxury car, that looks and functions like a sports car, that can also travel on the sea or even under water like a submarine, not to forget that it can also transform itself to fly too, probably even turn into a space shuttle, and if the situation arises, can travel on a railroad like a train as well. Oh yes, an all-in-one car. Who wouldn't want that? Now we don't even need to choose between taking a cruise or a plane to our next holiday destination while we are on the above mentioned around-the-world trip.

Oh, how about the perfect boyfriend? Can't choose between this guy or that guy? (I know I am being gender biased here, but please, I don't need to write this twice, so I'll write for the girls because ladies come first) Of course you can't. What you want is someone who is good looking, kind, rich, witty, honest, sporty, intelligent, bookish, muscular, not overbearingly manly, someone who can read you poetry, do your laundry, fix your house lighting or plumbing, cunning sometimes, and whatever else a guy should have. You want all the qualities the a guy might have packed into one. That'll be wonderful isn't it.

Or the perfect child? Of course you want your child to have a 'holistic' development. And this includes wanting him to learn music, dancing, art, sports, history, math, languages, science and every single thing that a human being invented for the betterment of the mind. Your child has to know every f- thing and probably even write an encyclopedia off his mind.

Fact of life 2: We can't have everything in life.

And what does this mean? This means that we have to choose. Yes, whether you like it or not, we as humans need to make decisions and choices in our lives. It is ultimately inevitable to choose one thing over the other because we can't have everything we want in the world.

We only get 24 hours a day, and we have finite number of days to live. Some has more, some has less. But it's finite. This means that one day, we are going to die, and when we die, we stop getting the things we want. So there are definitely some things that we have to give up along the way.

Length of our life is one thing, opportunity is another. Some opportunities just simply clash with each other. It's about the timing. For example, I had to choose between an internship with Singapore Press Holdings or the Ministry of Home Affairs. I wanted both, because I see value in both internship opportunities, but I could only choose one as they offer themselves in a time period that clashes with each other. And in the end I chose the Ministry of Home Affairs, because of an interest to be involved in the ministry after graduation.

Another thing that we cannot avoid: the capacity for us to do only one thing at a time. I'm not talking about multi-tasking here. I'm talking about choosing the next course in our lives. Do I go for a post-graduate course or do I spend the time building my career? Do I get attached now or enjoy singlehood for the next few years? These things involves choices and decisions. I can't do a post-graduate course and build my career at the same time (well, you technically can... but it's a little different), and I can't be attached and enjoy singlehood at the same time. To be attached means to give up singlehood, and to be single means to give up being attached.

Conclusion?

We have to choose, whether you like it or not. I remember writing an article many years ago about 'choice'. I said that we make a choice every single day and second. We make choices in what we wear, what we say, what we do. Even if we decide not to make a choice, we have CHOSEN not to make a choice, which is a choice in itself.

This time round, I am talking about choosing what you want in your life. Bigger choices, choices that we have to make deliberately. And we can't just don't choose, because that will bring us nowhere. So here's the thing, make your decisions early. Decisive people get a head start, because they know what they want and they start to build towards it early on in the race. Making a big decision like life choices is a long and tedious process. It doesn't mean that you can get what you want simply because you make a decision to want it. From the decision, you still need to work towards this aim that you have. So early decision makers actually get a head start from the rest.

I do not mean that you make a decision hastily. But do not postpone something unnecessarily. Even if at the end of the day, you decide to change your original decision, it will still be alright. For example, if you decide that you want to work in this particular firm in the future, and you begin to build your portfolio and skills towards this target, and then you decide somewhere down the road that you do not wish to go ahead with this plan anymore, know that the portfolio you have built and the skills that you attained will not go to waste. These things remain with you. What will really go to waste is if you do not decide on anything, and spent the time doing things really does not help you accomplish much.

So really, just some food for thought. Chew on it and let me know what you think. It is late, and I shall sign off.

Ciao.

SHINGLES

2011-07-03T21:57:00.002+08:00

I'm down with shingles.

Actually, that is outdated information. But then again, it is not.

I am still down with shingles, but I got shingles a week ago. To be exact, last Monday.

But then again (again), Monday is when I was diagnosed with shingles. The real date that the virus came haunting is probably 2 Wednesdays ago. That, I cannot be exact.

So yes, I was down with shingles, and I am still down with shingles, and I am not sure if I will still be down with shingles come tomorrow when I visit the doctor at the Communicable Disease Centre (CDC) for a check-up.

The doctor, some specialist I suppose, will determine if I will turn people into zombies when I go out into the streets. (Which is quite ironic, because I have to go out into the streets to see him anyway. Which reminds me, I was still in the street when I left the hospital after being diagnosed. I guess the policy is "as long as I don't infect anybody that I know, that's fine")

Oh yes, it's a virus infection. Yes it is infectious. Or contagious, or communicable. Pick your word. Meaning, it's like what happens in "LEFT 4 DEAD", people will get infected if they aren't immune to the virus and if they get into contact with me. Except this time, they won't turn into brain eating zombies.

So how do you become immune to the virus? Simple enough, you just need to be immune to chicken pox. This virus is the same one that gives people chicken pox. After I got chicken pox like more than 10 years ago, the virus hid itself in my nerves and waited.

It's a very patient virus, because it waited over 10 years before it decides to come out and strike again. Simply put, this is what causes shingles. That's the layman version.

To make it even more layman, I called the condition chicken pox V2.

Many doctors will disagree with me.

So, back to 3 paragraphs ago. How can you be immune to chicken pox (V1)? 2 ways. You need to get it before. Or you need to get a chicken pox vaccine (which is essentially a mild version of the virus itself to let your immune system to create a blueprint for a defensive system).

So once you are protected against V1, you won't be vulnerable to V2. Apparently, V2 only comes after V1. So you won't get V2 from me right out of the oven.

Anyway. Yes. Back to wherever I was. I am down with shingles. And I have been given seven days of medical leave. Yes, seven full days. One entire oh-my-god week. It's a boon because I get to rest and sleep in and not have to think about my work for a week. It's a bane because I got confined in the house and cannot see anybody other than my family members for seven full days. This includes my girlfriend, whom I dearly miss.

Yes, that's the biggest bane for me. When I first realised that I was given seven days of medical leave, I was delighted. I thought I could finally spend some time with my girlfriend. Indeed, I haven't been able to spend much time with her because of work, and this I thought was the perfect opportunity.

But when I told her the news and what my condition entailed, she let me know that she was not infected with chicken pox before. My heart sank. This meant that I would not be able to see her until I fully recover and certified clear. This meant that I would not be able to see her for one week, which probably is the longest time we've not seen each other in almost a year (yes, next week is our anniversary, congratulate us).

I am shocked, because I always thought chicken pox was a very common virus (not as common as flu, but you know what I mean). Apparently it is not. Almost all the friends that I spoke, whom I thought could spend some time with me, all did not have chicken pox before. So, I guess I was wrong.

So one week. Seven days. What have I done in seven days. Seven full days being cooped up in a 4 room HDB flat in Choa Chu Kang. Two words: not much.

I spent about three days gaming. Just gaming and gaming and gaming, because I haven't gotten much of a chance to game ever since I started work. So this is payback time. I finished "Front Mission Evolved", which is a game about robots and finished the storyline, as well as getting myself the best upgrades for my robot. The game isn't too bad. Graphics is all right (it's PS3, by the way), gameplay is pretty cool, but storyline sucks. Storyline sucks bad. I could have written a better ending for the game. But I shall not dwell on that. I proceeded to play my MMORPG, Lord of the Rings Online, which I cannot finish. Edgaros (my character), did manage to gain two levels though. He's level 56 now. I also got him a new sword and a new belt. Hurrah.

Alright. I spent another day playing this iPhone game called Tiny Tower. Basically, I've got too much time to spare. And I sympathised with the Bitizens (Bitizens are people who live in the tower. They are called as such because they are very pixelised and they are just BITs of data on the screen. Very cruel) because they are cooped up in the tower like me. So I do my best to give them their dream jobs. This made them happy. Now many of them have happy faces because they are working in their dream jobs. I've got quite a lot of services in my tower, and they are: bank, health club, volleyball club, aquarium, photo studio, pottery studio, book store, diner, pizza place. Of course there residential levels for the Bitizens to stay as well. The tower is currently 18 floors high, with one retail store being built.

But of course I didn't spend the whole day playing that game. I may be bored, but not that bored. I spent one half of the day playing and the second half reading. I am reading this book Labyrinth by Borges, which is given to me as a birthday present last year by my girlfriend. I finished four short stories: "Funes the Memorious", "The Shape of the Sword", "Theme of the Traitor and the Hero", and "Death and the Compass". I loved all of Borges' short stories, especially "The Shape of the Sword" and "Theme of the Traitor and the Hero". I just love the way Borges weaves "story-telling" into his stories and still manages to add a pinch (sometimes more than a pinch) of philosophy into the mixture. It really shows how well he knows his narrative, and even "narration" itself. Some stories just mindfuck you while some just blows you away while some just makes you think.

I'm not that great a book reviewer, but do take a read if you've got the time.

And in the last two days of the week, my sister introduced me to this Hong Kong drama series called 与敌同行. Not sure if it's a soap opera (ST says it is) but it's really really very exciting and engaging. The story goes like this: 10 years ago, Hei got accused for murder, and the one who testified against him was his own cousin, Yin. He was sentenced to 13 years in prison and got released 10 years later. The story takes place in the present. Hei, after being released, determines that Yin was the real murderer and decides to open the case again. But how can he do it? Who will trust him? He works for Yin's company in order to gain his trust. It's a show about acting and deceiving. Who's acting? Who's not? Who's a better actor than the other? Who's going to be hurt in the process? Will Yin finally get his punishment? It's all part of the show, so no spoilers here.

I finished the series in two days.

This is the last day of my medical leave. I'll be going for a clearance check-up tomorrow and once I am clear, I will have to go straight to work. I guess seven days break is really more than enough for me.

This is the day, this is the day...

2011-06-06T16:44:00.004+08:00

It’s been… well, I don’t know how long it has been. It’s been awhile. That’s for sure. I’ve been held up with life. Yes, just life. Living. Doing things and being busy.

Exams were over more than two weeks ago. I celebrated my birthday about two weeks ago. I used up the left over four days of my summer to do I-can’t-remember-what except to eat and to spend my birthday with my girlfriend. I am into the third week of my internship.

I must say, I’ve not had a REAL birthday celebration with someone special in my life. This is a first for me. When I was younger, it’s either we broke up before my birthday, got together after my birthday, or we were simply in school during my birthday. I just never got to celebrate. So I must say I am really happy this year for my 23rd. So here’s a shout out: THANK YOU LOVE FOR THE WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY PLANNED FOR ME. :D

The day after my birthday, I had to report for work. This is the third week of the internship and to say frankly, I haven’t had much to do. Been to a few events, helped with some photo-taking, but I haven’t really gotten down to much writing. Wrote some articles, but they are yet to be published. I’m getting restless.

I miss my life. I miss chilling out and doing nothing and just lazing around in the house. I miss just gaming for an entire day or just simply do whatever I like. I miss sleeping late and waking late and seeing that the world has already moved on and I’m just left behind in my own little space. I miss being by myself in my own space doing my own things.

I wonder how my results will be like. For the first time since I was matriculated, I’m having this ‘good feeling’ about the results. I’m not sure if this is the first time I’ve felt this in my life, but if I did, they usually end up in some form of disappointment.

I hate to have this ‘good feeling’. I hate it because it has such a high potential of setting up for the greatest disappointment you can ever feel. The greater the ‘good feeling’, the greater the disappointment. And it doesn’t even help one bit to make the final excitement better. It just sets you up for a possible disappointment and it’s unavoidable.

I’ve finally gotten a PS3 after a year of deciding if I should. I don’t play on it much though, because I simply cannot find the time to. It’s not the job. It really is the church. Just last week alone, I spent 4 out of 5 weekday nights doing church work or being at church.

I spoke to my sister recently about coming back to church (she stopped coming some time back), and she told me that she cannot take how the church just takes up so much of her (our) time. I agreed.

In case you are wondering, Evangel just happens to be a church that is very time- demanding. Some of my friends have left for the greener grass on the other side, and from what I am hearing, the people there enjoy a much more relaxed time. They enjoy worshipping God and coming to church. It’s not an obligation for them. And I don’t know why it is for me (us).

There are no quick fixes in this world, not even Jesus the Christ my Lord and Saviour Almighty Healer and Forgiver and Lamb and Son of the Great Almighty Omniscient Omnipotent Omnipresent God my Heavenly Father.

This is a problem. So many people come to church looking for a quick fix. Like, I come to church and I accept Jesus Christ as my saviour and I say Amen and I am saved and life is gonna be good and normal and just the way I want it. I am going to be holy and pure and Christian because I said the sinner’s prayer and I eat holy communion once every month and sing worship songs and I pray and I read the bible and I go for devotion and bible study and prayer groups and I reach out to people and teach them about Christ and I get a badge for the most number of souls saved.

Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you.

Christianity and the church are not quick fixes. Everyone in the church is broken. Of course you may want to say there are those more broken than others, but the truth remain that everybody is broken. Spoilt in some warped sense. Everyone has a dark little secret, something that they cannot share with other people, something that they struggle with themselves and cry every time they think about it and compare it with the kind of limitless grace God provides.

I cry a lot when I worship or when I pray. And I hate to do that. I cry only when I think of some crappy thing that I’ve done and I think of how much God grace I require from God. It’s a sense of shame that I feel, not a sense of holiness.

I am as broken as anybody else and righteousness only breaks me more.

Charlie went up Candy Mountain because his friends asked him to. He was knocked out and found that a kidney was stolen from him.

He followed his friends again under the sea and was again knocked out and his other kidney stolen.

In the end, he found his kidneys hanging on the Christmas tree.

Nyan Cat is a cat that nyans. Its body is made of poptart and all it does is cruise through space aimlessly/carelessly.

It goes nyan nyan nyan and creates rainbow in it’s path.

Neptune didn’t take it too well that Pluto was removed from the solar system.

Dwarf planet. What does that make me now?

Pluto always complained of being last in the list, and now he is the first on another.

At 2300HRS, you are to commence operation code Delta Charlie Boy Boy at location 012238 Michael. Make sure that you have with you everything on list no. 382710 and that you have prepared accordingly to standard operating procedure no. 8732085. You must understand that according Military Act no. 145 Chapter 2009 Section 49087 Paragraph U, you are required to respond and act only according to the protocol no. 31152. Do you understand, S7398234A?

If a tree falls in the forest and somebody is there, he would hear it and know that the tree has fallen and that there was indeed a tree.

But if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it fall, did the tree really fall or was there indeed a tree?

Yes it did really fall and there would indeed be a tree because God would be there to see it.

I cannot trust myself anymore. I have discovered that I am a product of ideology and brain washing and systems and societal moulding and I do not trust myself anymore. Everything we say or act is a result of the kind of culture that we are exposed to or the kinds of things that we read. It’s not even about exposure anymore. I don’t care if I’ve been to America or North Korea or Japan to be exposed to their culture. Because every single culture that I’m exposed to only add another layer to this ideological product that I am.

I cannot trust myself anymore and there is no escaping this. I do not know who I am and I cannot find any identity in the being that I have become and already am. We laugh at people who simply accept the system that they are presented and we call them under-exposed, immature, unintelligent, not well-read, don’t have their own mindset, brainwashed. But we do not realize that we, us, ourselves, are equally brainwashed into a culture that looks at others as brainwashed.

I am only just a multiple cell organism that has decided that I want to see what it’s like to think. Is it my brain that’s doing the thinking? Or is it my nerves? Or is it me? Or am I just a cell in the body that operates the entire body?

Ray is a cell. He is a single cell organism that has been misread. He didn’t evolve, he didn’t combine with other cells. He has all along been a single cell organism who just simply collected other cells to control them.

These other cells are called “body”. As a sort of collective term. People mistake this body as Ray. But really, Ray is just a single cell organism. And he forgot he is.

i am in the middle-of-exam break

2011-05-11T16:37:00.003+08:00

when we do not know what we want

we will want everything

and then we will be disappointed

because it is known fact

that we will not get everything

the last night

2011-03-17T02:23:00.003+08:00

It's 2.23am.

It's the third night of the wake.

It's the last night of the wake.

It's the second wake of the year.

It's the second wake in two months.

Once again, I am back at where I was two months ago. I remember exactly two months ago, at the exact same place, Richard's wake was just done and over with. We went up to the apartment flat, my auntie went to rest in the room, my sister gave her a little massage, we talked about life in the living room, on the way home believing that she was going to go soon, but not believing it would be in this year or the next, deciding we should spend more time with each other.

Exactly two months later, I receive a phone call. “你的姨妈走了。”

I called my cousin.

"Hey... is it... is it.. uh..."

"Yes. Yes she's gone."

I packed up my macdonald's lunch, went to the bus stop, got picked up by my pastor and arrived at the hospital, entered the room, my heart broke. All three of us, two pastors and myself, couldn't find a word to break repeated the chant in the room: “老婆。。老婆。。”

My tears came before my words. Or rather, they came in place of words.

After about 5 minutes of silence, sobs and hands being on shoulders, my uncle stopped, and gives us the story:

The date is 13th March 2011. It was a Sunday. As on most Sundays, the couple went to church, sang some worship songs, listened to the pastor preach, mingled with various members, all cheerful and believing that the world is a wonderful place.

They went for lunch, just as they would usually do on Sundays after church, and then retires to their apartment. She says she was feeling tired. She goes to rest in the room.

After a while, she calls out to him from the room. "Something's came out of my mouth," she says. He takes a look. Blood was coming out of her mouth. Shocked, he went to dial for an ambulance, and then comes back to carry her and wipes the blood with towel.

It kept coming. Kept coming. One towel after another was soaked in the red essence of life that was ebbing out of her frail body. He held her, held her, held her, until she passed out. He tells her, “老婆，不要睡啊。。”

She never woke up. He didn't know if she was just unconscious or... or... and he didn't know what to do. So he just held her, hoping, praying.

The ambulance arrived, and took the vital signs, and they announce... they...

"I'm sorry..."

At the wake, except for a few reckless ones, words are chosen carefully, as if they were mines laid out across the battlefield. The common ones are, 'it's good to move on', 'she's in a better place', 'God is with her', 'she can be with Richard now', 'there's not more suffering for her'.

Others remain silent.

Words are difficult, words do not suffice, words... are all we have for now.

We were ten. And now we are eight.

meow, meow meow

2011-02-27T01:18:00.002+08:00

The cat.

The cat has been visiting rather often lately. For the past few nights, he would appear at my gate and mew, and my parents would inform me of his arrival (because I am holed up in my room doing my work whenever I am at home in the night). Then I would prepare food for the cat and set up a nice little supper snack outside my door.

Tonight he came again. As usual, I was in my room and I heard a very soft mew from the outside, and my mum's announcement that he is here once again. I wanted to play with him for a bit, so I opened the gate and let him in.

He walked right in, as if he had been into the house a thousand other times in the past. He walked around, looking here and there, searching all the gaps and corners in the house. He walked and stopped sometimes, turning his head left and right, tilting his head down and lifting it up again. He was looking for something. Looking for what?

He searched the living room, he searched my sister's room, he searched my room, and then not being able to find whatever he was looking for, he went back to the living room, sat down and started mewing for about 5 seconds.

Then my sister made a comment, that he's here to look for his friend. And oh yes, he had a friend. And his friend was staying here in this house, right before we moved in. But now, his friend is in Canada with the family that has moved out and migrated. The cat was not informed. His friend could not tell him. They have been separated and they do not even know why.

That's why the cat came in, as he usually did in the past, looking for his friend for a little late night chat, but could not find him, and instead found this new group of people who are following him around the house. Cats have no concept of travel, or home. They just believe in the simple pleasures of meeting each other every night and catching up with each other.

Convinced that his friend is no longer around in the apartment but not knowing why, he just sat the gate and stare into space. I wonder what was going in his mind as he just sat there and stare. He must have been expecting to see his friend, came to the place but only to find a different apartment at the same location, with no friend in sight.

He must have felt disappointed, or even betrayed, because his friend left without a word. Just as how so many humans have came and patted him on the head, cuddled with him, played with him and just as he felt that he really liked them, they left him. He will follow them but they will only find means to leave him behind. He has always been left behind.

A sense of sadness washed over me as these thoughts worked through my head. I wanted to keep him in the house but was not allowed to by the Empress Dowager. So I prepared a nice midnight snack for him, brought him out of the house and left him there to eat. But you can always come back, always come back and ask for me and I will come and talk with you, give you your snack and play with you.

I will. I will.

and death.

2011-01-14T02:43:00.002+08:00

I wish that when I wake up in the morning, I will realise it is but a nightmare.

Still, my girlfriend is most amazing for the support she has given me.

emergency money

2011-01-11T13:23:00.002+08:00

Overheard while I was on my way to lunch this afternoon:

"Mommy, I spent my $12 emergency money today... On sponge books..."

I do not know what "sponge books" is supposed to mean, it's probably something that has to do with school since his class just ended, and I could have heard wrongly because I wasn't paying much attention to this primary school child who is probably less than 10 years old, but I felt something in me that was special.

Here is a kid, talking into his mobile phone (a mobile phone at such a young age! I only had a pager!) and telling his mum that he has spent an amount of money that is reserved for emergency purposes only.

And I resolved in my heart that I am going to raise my kid this way, to teach him/her the importance of having budget, the importance of having monies stored away for emergency.

a very late new year post

2011-01-06T12:57:00.006+08:00

The new year has come and gone, and as my friends have said during our mini-countdown party involving sukiyaki, barley, streetfighter IV, fireworks off in the distant Malaysia, and new year resolutions, "there will never be a new year but an old one."

So it probably doesn't matter whether this post is late by a day or late by 7 days. But still, I decided that something written in this manner and nature would be more appropriate to be given the title of "First Blog Post of 2011."

Personally, I felt that 2010 has been a really good year. It's been a year of challenges, surprises, and finally closing with rest. It's a good feeling, to feel that the year has ended, and that nothing too major, or urgent, or bad has been brought over to the next. It feels as if I can start the new year as new. Alright, it's just a feeling. Of course I am still having studies to be worried about, amidst other things, well.

A look back on the year:

School

2010 marked the promotion from Year 1 to Year 2. The jump in difficulty was really quite significant. Where I thought Year 1 Sem 2 was pretty tough, Year 2 Sem 1 only proved to be so much tougher. Still, I thank God for pulling me through, and I am only glad that the semester is over (even if that means I have another one to look forward to). Thank God for wonderful group mates during the first half of the year, people whom I have befriended and can really depend on for the rest of my time in SCI. Group work in 2nd half wasn't that great, but I still thank God that we have had our moments of superb inspirations and creativity, which until now I am still quite proud of. Overall, school in 2010 had been fun, and I hope it will still be in 2011.

CCA

2010 kicked off with the Singapore Canoe Marathon (which will also kick off 2011 on 9th Jan as well). Didn't exactly do very well, but considering that I had barely any experience and it being my first competition, I comfort myself by saying that at least I was in the middle rankings. Had a few more competitions - MR500, Round Ubin Kayak Race. The year closed with the Round Ubin Kayak Race 2010, which I felt we did really well. Got 5th, and the team overall won the Seniors Champion. And that was a good closing, in my opinion. 2011 - same competitions, but I hope we will do so much better. To start it off, again, Singapore Canoe Marathon, and I will be doing 31km this time. God bless me.

Church

Hasn't been the greatest of years in church, for a number of reasons. I joined the YCG Ministry in March, and until today, I felt that it's been both a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing is that I have so much more opportunities to serve God, to be active in the planning phase, and to help out people who matters to me. It's much more than that, but I should probably keep it short. The bad thing - it's draining my fire. Sometimes, I get so disillusioned by the number of things I need to do that I lose sight of what really mattered at first. The number of events really took a toll on me, and sometimes I would just ask myself in the middle of the night, "just what on earth am I doing all these for?" There are other things, but I'll leave it at that. Still, it's been good to see the YCG moving on to a different level of things under new leadership, and I have so much more to learn for this year.

Singapore Youth Olympic Games

Volunteered my time to help out during the games, and served in the position of Marshals Supervisor. Well, I have to say that it wasn't easy, because it requires me to lead other volunteers, whom I don't even know well. To wake up at 4.30am (just like in the army days) in order to reach NTU by 5am, planning the roster for the day and making sure everyone's welfare is taken care of. And then to attend the ops meeting, and then to walk about to ensure that everything is in order. And before you know it, it's lunch and then it's home time. It's been fun. Ops meeting really opened up my eyes to how complicated and difficult it is to organise an event such as the YOG. And I also got to meet so many other people from so many other countries, an opportunity which I don't think will come very often. Still, the uniform changing thing, ugh, don't remind me.

Part Time Jobs

Took up part time jobs, like really part time jobs, for the first time since I left the military. Tried the telemarketing line, but had a really bad experience. Didn't like it at all, simply because it was really boring. Calling numbers after numbers and getting rejected again and again simply wasn't a good feeling. Besides, I hated telemarketers myself. Moved on to work as an assistant chef, and that proved to be a much more rewarding experience. Not only did I learn very relevant kitchen skills and cooking experience, I also made friends whom I really enjoyed working with. On top of that, I was able to eat free food. :P In 2011, however, I think I am not going back to the kitchen, or at least not Coffee Club, because the people I worked with has left. And I am looking forward more to internships, either at SPH, or with the government service.

House Moving

Moved twice this year. First to Taman Jurong, which was a really bad experience, and then back to a different part of Yew Tee. The new house is pretty nice, and though I still miss the old one, I have found that I am starting to love this place over the past month. New furniture always feels good, and my room is so much neater now with refreshing colours. I thank God and all my friends, and especially ST for being with me through the difficult time of house moving, and hope that the next time I move, it will be a much more pleasant experience than this one.

The Year In General

In sum, the year has been a pretty good year. At the top of the list - girlfriend. But I shall not elaborate much on this public blog. And then there was Taiwan, which reminds me that I should probably write out a travel journal or post on the trip, since this blog recorded nothing concerning Taiwan, which has been a really fantastic and memorable trip for me. I wanna go travelling in 2011 again! And which also reminds me, that I haven't even uploaded the Taiwan photos on Facebook yet. Gosh, I am really fail.

2011

I want 2011 to be an even better year, or at least something of similar quality to 2010. I want to learn new things. First to come would be to learn driving, and after that, to really set my nerves down to pick up my dusty guitar and really learn it, again. I want to improve my relationships with the people around me. I want to repair what has been broken in my family, and love, or at least try to, my parents again. I want to do even better for school, and though unrealistic, I would like to try for First Class Honours. Okay, might not actually achieve it, but nothing wrong with aiming high, in my opinion. And of course, to love everyone around me, to see everyone happy, to make more friends, to read more books and know more things. That it would be a good year.

just another sunday. maybe.

2010-12-27T01:07:00.003+08:00

Went to church. Took a bus with girlfriend. Took lunch with friends. Had a little conversation. Went home. Wrote an article. Read a book. Sleep.

I realised I haven't had a Sunday like this in a really long time.

Day 24, Week 3, 2 More Days

2010-12-03T15:07:00.003+08:00

It's been 24 days in this place at Taman Jurong, or more specifically, BLK 63 Yung Kuang Road. It sure wasn't the best 24 days I could ask for, really.

I don't have much time to write, as I have got one (one last) essay to complete but I shall write for writing's sake, but also because I want to write while I am still qualified to write about the place while I am still at the place. (even though right now, I am typing this in school, which goes to show that I hate the place so much that I really don't want to even stay in there after my school is done. And really, I've never stayed at the flat for an afternoon from the day we moved in. I simply had to get out.)

At first, I didn't care too much about it. Sure the place was a little out of the way. It was small. The floor was a little dirty and dusty but it got fixed with a little clean up. Only one shower room and one toilet bowl room. Kitchen was damn poorly equipped. I could live with that, I told myself. And I could, really.

But what got on my nerves (and onto my skin) was the bedbugs. Yes, BEDBUGS. It is absolutely irritating, and annoying (I know both words are synonyms but I used them anyway to make my point that IT SUCKS). I didn't know it was bedbugs at first. I thought it was mosquito bites. So I got my mum to buy this mosquito repellent thing for the room. But it didn't work. And I was wondering why the mosquito were still biting me when I have already installed the repellent thing.

Days went by like this, and I kept getting bitten. Then one day my girlfriend asked me if it could be bedbugs, and that was when it struck me: it could be bedbugs. Like OH MY GOD. I went to google "bedbug bites" and wala, it looked exactly the same. I read up more on bedbugs and their bites and realised that everything fitted my circumstance: multiple bites around the same area, huge swell, little blood stains on the bed (like, urgh). I confirmed it was bedbugs.

Went home to tell my parents, and they didn't believe me. I don't know. It's either they didn't believe me, or they didn't bother and couldn't care less since they were not the ones getting bitten anyway. So what did I do. I can't exactly just let those bloodsuckers bite the hell out of me.

I took a can of Baygone, and sprayed around. I hunted down the crevices and cracks where the bedbugs could be hiding and alas, there they were, hiding in these little holes in the wall. I took the can of Baygone and spray right into the hole and watch one, and two bedbugs die in it. I camped at night, spending up to 1 or 2 hours without sleep just looking for those pests, and then spraying them with my can of bug killer or just squashing them with tissue paper.

There was once when I saw one crawling on the bed, and I told my mum, "Look! Bedbug!" and she just squinted her eyes, "Where? I can't see it.".

I pointed right at the where the bedbug was laying motionless, and she was like "where? I can't see it. My eyesight very bad." I took a piece of tissue paper, grabbed the bedbug and put it right in front of her eyes. Ah, THERE she saw it.

After a few days of Baygone treatment, the bedbugs were still having a good time. I decided that it was time for me to move out of the room. I migrated my mattress to the living room, gave the spot where I was sleeping a good Baygone treatment, and slept there. But it was to no avail. There were still bedbug bites when I woke up the next morning.

Another night, I was camping again, looking out for bedbugs. This time, I employed another tactic (albeit a more traditional one): 风油. I sprinkled it around my bed as a sort of area defence, and I just stayed around to observe. I don't know whether it was because of the 风油 but I noticed this bedbug travelling on the wall. I took a tissue paper and crushed it right where it was, and a huge bloodstain was left on the wall. MY BLOOD. The bloody sucker has apparently taken a good meal while I was on my bed doing my work and was about to go home to rest for the night. Not so fast, sucker.

Three nights of 风油 treatment and the bedbug problem still persisted. So it didn't work. Bedbugs were not afraid of 风油, contrary to what a friend of mine suggested. And by some interesting turn of events, another friend of mine noticed the bites on my arms and asked me about it. I told her it was bedbugs and she was like, "oh no! I actually had a YCG member who was also plagued with bedbugs and I bought her these cans of bedbugs spray to eradicate the problem..."

Immediately there was a sparkle in my eyes, I tell you. Bedbug spray, eradicate problem. That was just what I needed right now, I thought to myself. I told her to try and help me obtain one can of the miracle spray to save me from getting sucked dry by the bloodsuckers. So two days later, she got a can. $7.90, and my saviour is in my hands.

I went home, and gave the place a good spraying. No bedbugs appeared, but I wasn't confident that it would work. And if it didn't, I would really have no other options left, since this was THE bedbug spray and my parents wouldn't care to call up the landlord of the place. Next morning, I still got the bites.

But I was at my wits end. So I just sprayed every night before I sleep. Spray and spray and spray and my parents could only complain about how smelly the spray is and they couldn't sleep because I kept spraying the can.

One night, as I was preparing to go to bed, I looked around for bedbugs again. And I saw one, trying to hide under the flooring, but still visible in the open. I took the can, aimed it right at the bug and gave it a good shower of bedbug spray. It struggled a little, and eventually its lifeforce ebbed away. I took a piece of paper with a sticky end, got the bedbug's body to stick on the sticky end, and took a picture with the word "bedbug" pointing to the body. I left the paper near where my parents put their keys so that I can prove to them there were bedbugs.

My mum called up the landlord, and they came to check but couldn't find any bedbugs. The landlord then said she will bring in an "expert" to check, who turns out to be her mother from China anyway, who didn't even turn up in the end and no one bothered to follow up with it. It just irks me how everything was so half-hearted.

But it's alright. In another 2 days time I will be moving to Yew Tee, to a place that is normal where my normal life can happen and where I can have the privacy of my own room and joys of a clean and comfortable environment to sleep in. A place where there are no bedbugs (the whole mattress had to be thrown away because we were afraid there would be an infestation in it). Where I have a table where I can work and study.

And I am glad. I am very glad that I am getting to leave this hellhole. This place that is fit for an episode of "Survivor: Singapore".

But the place isn't that bad anyway, I am contradicting myself here. As in the conditions are really bad, but the softer things aren't so bad. For one, the food centre near the place boasts of very nice egg pancake and roasted meat rice. Apparently, the legendary roasted meat rice stall opens at 11.30am and is all sold out by 1.30pm. If you are lucky, he may open until 2pm.

I have also witnessed a sight that I probably wouldn't have gotten to see elsewhere. One, there were some really poor families who were living there. However, these people were not miserable. There was once when I was waiting for the lift and this family was with me and there was this baby and they were all talking with each other and playing with the baby and suddenly I just felt that the place wasn't that bad afterall and I was really being childish and pampered to keep complaining about it. Maybe they didn't have a bedbug problem, but still, it was their contentment with the simple things of life that struck me.

And to wrap it all up, I would say that it was quite an experience. To stay in this place. Both good and bad. Think of it as when you stay overseas at some rundown place while you are doing OCIP or some volunteer work (I know of the whole overseas volunteer paradox, but I'm leaving that out of here) and then you feel that you appreciate your home so much and you learn about how people from other less-well-to-do areas obtain pleasure from the simple things in life. It's a little like that, really.

A month in Taman Jurong, BLK 63 Yung Kuang Road was all one need for the same experience.

In the lift

2010-11-24T23:25:00.002+08:00

The lift door opens.

There were about six of us waiting, and the Indian man in front of the door goes in first. He hesitates, and then walks into the lift.

I'm next, and I immediately find out why he hesitated in entering the lift: there was a puddle of curry in the middle of the lift floor.

I carefully step around it, making sure that my flip-flops does not get stained with the curry.

Next to enter is a family, and they do the same thing, carefully stepping around the curry puddle.

I shuffle to the back of the lift. And because of the puddle, I can't reach the buttons panel.

"Er..." Woman from the family attempts to ask me which floor I live at, but couldn't get the words out.

"Eleven"

"Eleven" She tells the Indian man who is standing closest to the buttons panel.

He presses the button "11" and waits.

The lift door doesn't close. So the woman tells the man to press the "close" button. And he does. Lift door closes.

Up the lift goes, and all of us just stare at the puddle of curry until we reach our floors.

Just a puddle of curry.

I wonder who will clean it up.

If I were a piano player, I'd play it in the goddam closet

2010-11-18T22:19:00.001+08:00

"He had a big damn mirror in front of the piano, with this big spotlight on him, so that everybody could watch his face while he played. You couldn't see his fingerswhile he played—just his big old face. Big deal. I'm not too sure what the name of the song was that he was playing when I came in, but whatever it was, he was really stinking it up. He was putting all these dumb, show-offy ripples in the high notes, and a lot of other very tricky stuff that gives me a pain in the ass. You should've heard the crowd, though, when he was finished. You would've puked. They went mad. They were exactly the same morons that laugh like hyenas in the movies at stuff that isn't funny. I swear to God, if I were a piano player or an actor or something and all those dopes thought I was terrific, I'd hate it. I wouldn't even want them to clap for me. People always clap for the wrong things. If I were a piano player, I'd play it in the goddam closet."

- J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

Night. Taxi driver. Jokes.

2010-11-17T12:06:00.001+08:00

The night is a quiet one. No storm. No lightning. Just the cab driver and I ploughing down the lonely road home at 2am.

The radio plays softly over the stereo but a silent gap still exists between the driver and me. It's the gap that is always there when you take a cab. Two strangers forced to sit together for a good half hour. Usually we just stare at the road.

He was the one who attempted to break this gap first.

"Do you want to hear a joke?"

Sure thing. I didn't mind a joke on the half hour trip home. Besides, it's probably too rude to turn down his very kind offer.

"Which emperor of china is blind?"

The first thing that came to my mind: I've heard this one before. Second thing: should I just give the correct answer? I spent some time thinking this through, while the driver thinks that I am going through a list of Chinese emperors to find who lost his sense of sight.

My reply: "I don't know. Who is it?" I smiled.

"Kang xi hung di. Because he can't see ma."

Both of us laughed.

"Have you heard the one about the falling fruits on the head?"

I shook my head and he shared jokes with me all the way home.

my last night here with you, same old songs, just once more

2010-11-09T20:05:00.003+08:00

I am typing this from my home in BLK 686B Choa Chu Kang Crescent #08-232 for the last time. IN another one and a half hours time, that is about 2130HRS, 9th November 2010, I will leave this place. Involuntarily.

Even until now, I find it difficult to accept the fact that we have to move. However, it's not just the moving that I find it hard to swallow. Actually, it is not even about the moving. It is about the fact that no one bothered about what I felt, or what my sister felt. It is about the eagerness to sell the place and not find a new home in time, causing us to have to shift temporarily to an old and lousy (which I haven't seen for myself yet, but my mum admitted to me that it was old and lousy, so) apartment in the remote corner of Taman Jurong, which you could probably guess that it is in Jurong (because, duh) but which you probably have no idea which part of Jurong it is in because it is so god damn remote and ulu and... and... stupid.

And even if it is not the wisdom that my parents have in selling and not buying in time (as Brother Lachman so aptly put it, "wisdom"), it is about the fact that no one cares to make it any better. No one bothers to talk to me about it (because it ends up in quarrels anyway), and no one bothers to pack, and no one bothers to ensure that everything goes smoothly. And now, because of all this, we have to give up our turtles for adoption. Like, WHAT THE FUCK. I am still not convinced that the place can't even hold 2 fish tanks. And that's the only bloody reason they are giving me. "Oh, the place is too small, we can't put the fish tanks." The stupidity, oh the damned pathetic stupidity (or perhaps I should say wisdom).

Okay, EVEN if it is not that. Ultimately, it's the promise. From the moment they mentioned the house selling to me, the images have been playing in my head.

We are walking home from dinner. That was in 2002 I suppose, when we first moved to this place. And I ask, "So how long will we be staying here?"

"Until all of you get married, and move out on your own, of course."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

And we go home together, smiling, as a family, knowing that this is going to be our home.

Because of this promise, I treated this place as my permanent home. I keep stashes of memories, things that remind me of my past, thinking that I don't have to move. I make my room comfortable, and fit everything nicely according to how I like it.

Then this happens. As I pack everything in boxes, as I tear down the things I pasted on the walls, as I remove the different things from the different stashes that I placed them into, AS I THROW THE THINGS THAT SERVE ONLY NOSTALGIA BECAUSE I COULDN'T BRING EVERYTHING OVER, every single item I hold and put into the box or throw reminds me of this promise. And in reminder of this promise, it reminds me, oh how it reminds me, of how the promise is broken. Shattered into a million pieces like sand that just flows out of one's hand. A promise treated as if it has never been spoken of before. A promise of which it's value goes down to naught.

But ultimately, I have to let go. Let it all go. Like the memories that I let go into the rubbish chute, I let it go and I lose a part of myself. Give up the fight and surrender, for it is a meaningless battle. I have fought up till this moment, and defeat is knocking on my door. Another hour! And I will be gone. This place, MY HOME for the past 8 years, no longer my home.

I pray, with all sincerity, that this will go away. This stubbornness, bitterness, this part of me. That I will soon get used to the new place (which I will not be moving into until a month later, anyway). That I will stay strong and happy. That I will be myself again.

The most beautiful

2010-10-11T22:21:00.002+08:00

The man said, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world.”

But of course, for her that was something very difficult to believe. Women these days find such things too cliché, too common and too superficial. So she says, “I’m not.”

You see, the problem is this: It really is very difficult for the man to prove otherwise. Because it is very unlikely that his girlfriend is ACTUALLY the Miss Universe, which would then make it very easy to argue that she was INDEED the most beautiful woman in the world, although that might not be true as well.

To say something like, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, or “beauty is subjective” (they mean the same thing anyway) is really quite cliché, and it actually doesn’t mean anything much either. Because the fact that beauty is subjective makes his statement of “you are the most beautiful in the world” a very subjective statement as well.

But the thing is, when the man said such a thing, he meant it. He didn’t say it just to please his girlfriend or make her happy. He didn’t say it just so he can end the night on a “beautiful” note. He said it because he meant it.

Well, when the man said she was the most beautiful woman in the world, it’s not because she’s the Miss Universe, or that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but because in his eyes, in his world, there really is nobody else.

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."

2010-09-25T22:25:00.001+08:00

打就是疼，骂就是爱。

The Chinese has never hit the bull's eye as accurately as this does when it comes to such paradoxes.

Sometimes, I do wonder - why do we do the things we do, say the things we say, not do the things we don't do, not say the things we don't say. I wonder why, oh why oh why is it so difficult to say "I love you" to the person that should have been the easiest to say it to. Why is it that we say the most hurting things, the most stupid things, the most ridiculous and the most outrageous things to the person who is least deserving of such abuse. Why do we always, always, always, hurt the one who love us, and whom we know, deep in our hearts, no matter what we say or do or show or tell others or write or shout or scream or cry, deep in our hearts we know we love. Not just love, but love deeply, treasured.

We contradict ourselves in this most basic of all things - love.

Why? Because we are humans. And not just because we are humans. Because love blinds. Love takes us under her arms, cover us with her shadow, and we are surrounded by the immense feeling of powerful, what you call that, LOVE, all with capital letters, that feeling of immense pleasure and security and protection from all that surrounds us, such that we become immune to anything that is NOT love. To indulge in it, to be filled by it, and then, to drown in it.

Maybe what drives us to love sometimes really isn't love itself. Imagine you are in darkness, and you see a beacon of light; what drives you to the beacon of light wouldn't be the light itself, but rather, the darkness. Or imagine you in the coldest of winter; what drives you to the fire isn't going to be the warmth, but the cold that besiege you. The knowledge and understanding of the might have been and might not have been, the possibilities, the fear. The more we indulge in love, the more we lose sight of what is not love, and the more we lose sight of what is not love, the less we realise that we are in love.

Hatred. What does it mean when we say that we hate somebody? Hatred does not come from nowhere. When someone hates another, he/she does not simply hate the person because the person is hate-able. Or simply because something displeases him/her about the person. When there is hatred, there has to be love. Love that you hope there was something more in the person, that you hope something in the person could change for the better, that you hope that things could just be different.

It takes effort to hate. In fact, it takes more effort to hate than to love. To constantly be displeased about somebody, to be agonised by this hatred, to be distracted and to be caught in between hatred and reconciliation. It doesn't feel good to hate. Why would anybody with a sound mind choose to hate people who are not even related, who he/she does not even care about? Before you can hate somebody, you have to really love that somebody.

So please know that even though I always bicker with you and make things so difficult, I love you. I love you and I hope things, these things these bad and horrible things, will only get better.

Clouds are singing a song, marching along, just like they do.

2010-08-30T19:21:00.003+08:00

"In all those years he was the beneficiary of the infinite generosity of women, but he was the victim, too, because their forgiveness made possible the deepest and sweetest corruption of all, namely the idea that he was doing nothing wrong."

- Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses

School has started again for me. I woke up just half an hour before my first lecture (overslept) but arrived on time anyway. (because really, it takes just 10 minutes by the taxi while it takes an hour by the train/bus)

I didn't realise that I never stepped into school since my last paper last semester until I was having lunch in the afternoon. YOG isn't counted since I only went to NIE compound and part of the North Spine during the period.

School food is really cheap compared to what I've been stuffing myself with for the past few months. I must raise my discipline because all the cheap food ~~especially Mr. Bean~~ is tempting me to over-eat.

Church, Competition and Create

2010-08-26T23:33:00.001+08:00

Attending "Create" last night made me realise something that has been at the corner of my small mind - competition improves quality, but kills meaning.

Being in the youth ministry, I've seen how competition has played a big part in almost everything that we do. Every time there's an event, we become all secretive about our projects, we poke around to see what others do. Intelligence, counter-intelligence, I've seen enough of this in the military. And then this attitude goes full blast especially when it comes to "Create".

I'm not saying that competition is all that bad. And I'm not saying that I'm totally not competitive either. But when the event becomes a time to outwit each other in terms of talent more than just enjoying a time of performance, something is seriously wrong.

Perhaps it's the introduction of the Inter-Region points, or the sheer number of events that the youths go through, but I realised that the way people from CGs view "Create" and the way people from YCGs view "Create" is vastly different.

For CGs, "Create" is just a time for them to get together and do something creative, something interesting outside of the usual church stuff. For the YCGs, "Create" is really more of a time to prove themselves, to showcase their respective talents to the rest of the congregation. I'm not saying either way is better than another, I'm just saying that the view that YCGs hold is slightly easier to tip over the edge, becoming a competition to find out who's better than who. (if you get what I mean)

And again, I must reiterate that I'm not saying that I'm not competitive here. I'm competitive, or I wouldn't have been in a competitive sports team myself. But when winning becomes a goal bigger than gaining experience, then perhaps we need to reconsider what we are doing this for. (even in canoeing, we still maintain the attitude of "experience over medals". We aim/train to win, but winning is really secondary, because the real reward is the training we put in and the experience we gain)

Personally, I believe that gaining a valuable experience, or learning something new is a greater reward than some vouchers or even gaining the title of "Best X of Create". And that was the main reason why I went out of the way to get myself out of the video team and put myself into the dance team. (okay, Christian Body Worship)

And now we learn that there is a very high possibility of us being last (because, out of point, yes), that doesn't mean that we will sulk our faces and go onto stage to do a mediocre performance. We'll still go up there and dance our best, because really, winning isn't everything.

(and I hope the finger pointing don't start, because we've discussed this issue at length even before we started practices, and we all agreed that we'll do this even if it meant that there was chance of it being out of point.)

Time

2010-08-19T23:19:00.005+08:00

If I asked you, what time is it now?
What would you tell me?
23:19?
Wrong.

Because as you tell me it's 23:19, it has already jumped to 23:20.
There is no "now", or "present".
Even as I say "now", it would have been something of the past.
The "present" is nothing more than the future moving, transforming, becoming the past.
Time is fluid, in fact, too fluid for us to even think of measuring.

Because if I were to ask you the same question in London instead of in Singapore, it would have been 16:19 instead.
While we think our world as in the night, another man, in the same world, think his as in the day.
While we sleep, another awakes.
While we rest, another begins to work.
And that is just on our small tiny little planet.
Think of it in terms of the universe, of the galaxy.
If it was 23:19 here in Singapore, what time would it be on Mars?

Because if not for "time", you wouldn't even know what time it was.
If I had stolen away all the clocks and calendars in this world,
if I stopped the Earth from orbiting the Sun,
would time continue to run?
Yes, time would continue to run, but would we still know what time it was?

Because, if I asked you, "what is time?",
what would you say?

I would perhaps tell you,
that time is the most unreal thing in this world,
that has become the most real thing to us.

i'm not listening.

2010-07-28T23:16:00.003+08:00

"Hey, do you have a scanner in your room?"

"Yes I do, why?"

"Oh, can you help me scan my IC?"

"Can."

"Ok, coz I need a photocopy of my IC la."

"Oh, you need a photocopy? Then I just photocopy for you la."

"Your scanner can photocopy? Ok, photocopy lo. Thanks."

"Is this for selling the house?"

"Yes... need the photocopy of my IC..."

"I won't do it."

"What?"

"I won't do it. I won't photocopy your IC to sell the house."

"What, don't like that la."

"I'm sorry. If you want to sell the house, go do it on your own. I will have no part in the selling of this house."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

damn it.

And I’m always pretty happy when I’m just kicking back with you

2010-07-20T00:16:00.004+08:00

This post should have been published about 2 weeks ago, but it never did make onto the online world because:

1) I was writing halfway and then I stopped.
2) I thought I saved a draft.
3) The draft wasn't saved when I came back to check.
4) I didn't have the time/inspiration to write anything since.

Anyway, It's been 3 weeks since I started working as an Assistant Chef, or Chef Assistant, whatever makes you happy. But technically, this is only my 2nd week at work, because the past week was spent... er, preparing myself to protect my motherland (whatever). My job scope is simple, assist the chef in the kitchen, and sometimes, be the chef in the kitchen. And this includes, cutting the ingredients, preparing the ingredients, cooking the dishes, washing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, clearing the trash, packing the fridge... amidst other random things like eating sandwiches and steak.

Overall, I like this job. It's really quite an experience, and I'm learning quite a lot. No I don't actually learn how to dish up the "fantastic" dishes because most things are already prepacked, but I did learn many "kitchen skills", and of course, I can differentiate an onion from a garlic from a ginger from an asparagus from a spinach from a broccoli. I can smell what things went bad and what can still be used. I know if something is burnt or if it's undercooked. I can cut almost anything and not make a mess in the kitchen. And most importantly, I discovered how amazing a microwave can be. And to sum it up, it's been a tiring, painful, and fun experience for myself.

It's tiring. Yes it is. Standing in the kitchen and working non-stop for up to 10 hours is seriously no joke. If I'm not washing the dishes, I'll be cutting vegetables. If I'm not cutting vegetables, I'll be packing the ingredients. If I'm not packing the ingredients, I'll be clearing the trash. If I'm not clearing the trash, I'll be cooking. If I'm not cooking, I'll be washing the dishes. Simply put, the work never stops. (and as my colleague told me, if the work stops, there won't be a need for me to work part time)

It's painful. That's just part of the deal I suppose, and it made me realise just how unprepared I was to work in the kitchen even though I had experience cooking at home. First day at work and I cut my thumb while trying to chop some tomatoes. The knife is sharp, VERY SHARP, and it doesn't take much effort to leave a deep cut on my thumb. Technically, the kitchen knife is the chef's best friend and worst enemy. And since then, I've been wielding my knife like a pro. (I'm exaggerating. I just haven't cut myself since) Second day at work and I burnt my fingers. Left quite a few blisters on my fingers. (but as my colleague says (again), every chef has burn scars to show *and then he shows me his*)

It's fun. And I'm just glad it is. Well, I actually find it quite nice that people in the cafe calls me "chef" (even though I know it's probably because they don't know what else to call me because they don't know my name). Kinda feel a little important in the place. Okay, no big deal, I know. I also picked up a whole bunch of "chef lingo", and here's a few just for starters.

a) 打仗 - to fight a war - basically, to "battle" the rush hour, usually lunch hour, madness. It is actually quite mad working during lunch, because the orders just keep coming, and one wrong move could cause the orders to just jam and... well, things can get quite crazy and frustrating. So yes, it's like a war.

b) 清场 - to clear the battlefield - well, after each dish is served and there is a little pause between orders, it is mandatory that the chefs clear whatever is around his workzone, such as ingredients, knife, bowls, whatever. It can get quite messy, and if things are not cleared, it gets messier.

c) 你来戴帽子你来做啦 - you wear the hat and do it yourself, lah - a very common retort to the crew members who keep rushing us for their orders to be ready. Basically, rush hour is frustrating for everybody; the chefs are trying to get everything out, and the crew is trying to get the orders served fast. So when people get rushed, they get irritated. Simple.

In other news: 'Inception' was amazing. And I enjoy it all the more because I've always been someone who have been very interested in dreams, because I dream a lot, and because I love my dreams.

I won't go so much into providing a review, because that would cause this post to have 2 topics (which it already has anyway, but I want to pretend there isn't) and that would be overloading. But I like how they map the dreams so realistically, not realistic in the sense that they are real, but in the sense that this is how I dream. Love things like having dreams within dreams, how you don't know how you end up where you were and you never bother to question it, and the "kick". So true.

One thing though, the dreams were too "real", too logical, to be dreams. Okay, I know it's subjective, but my dreams are damn weird, and they are set in the weirdest places with the weirdest characters. And the things I do are things which are damn weird, and have no logic in them. And here's the best part: I don't find that there is anything wrong in my dreams. In my dreams, weird is logic.

I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my

2010-06-30T00:16:00.002+08:00

Soul. What is a soul?

The event last Friday at Hearts on Fire was quite ambitiously named "I don't wanna gain the whole world but lose my soul", but I never got to find out what a soul is even after the event is over.

I never really got involved in the event this time, other than pumping my brain dry of ideas during a meeting at Somerset 313, which happens to be becoming our favourite meeting location for the Region B think tank. My mind was really on other irrelevant but "soulful" things.

For all my life as a christian, and I have been a christian for a really long time, I have been told that animals, ALL animals, do not have a soul. Only humans, we GREAT humans, have souls. Well, I understand the whole theory behind this, that humans are more superior than animals, created in God's image, therefore it is unthinkable that animals have the only immortal thing that humans possess - souls.

But that is really a difficult theory to accept. I will not go into how it is difficult to assert if we were created in God's image or if God was created in our image (because that is really too darn dangerous), but I will have to say there is nowhere in the bible that ever mentioned the non-existence of souls in animals. All we have are references and interpretations. So it is safe to say that no one actually knows for sure that animals have no souls.

Before I even go on to explain why, I think it is only fair that I define what soul is. Alright, this is no formal definition, but this is just how I define soul and what I will use for this write-up. Basically to me, a soul is really who I am. My character, my emotions, my memories, my identity. It is what defines me as me.

I came to this definition only because I watched the movie "Wall-E". And the last scene showed how Wall-E, though fixed from his damages after saving the plant, lost all his memory and identity and emotions. And on the spot, I'm sure most people would say he had lost his "soul". The body is an empty vessel which does not last, if not for the soul that it contains. As C.S Lewis so aptly put it, "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

And animals, they have character, they have emotions, they have memories, they have identity. I have interacted with many animals (okay, cats) and I know it straight away when I look into their eyes that it isn't just an empty vessel that I was looking into. Animals have souls, and when we go to heaven, we will be seeing animals there as well. Cats, lots of cats for sure. And if you need a bible verse, here you go:

From Isaiah's description of "New Heavens and a New Earth" in Isaiah 65:25, "The wolf and the lamb will feed together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox, but dust will be the serpent’s food. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain, says the LORD."

So that's animals in heaven for you.

But maybe animals have "lesser" souls, souls that are inferior to us humans. Well, that is an acceptable theory, considering how God specifically made humans in his image. However, the skeptical me just can't shake off the whole idea of how stubborn and self-centered we are. Don't we just love to put ourselves in the center of everything? But I'm going out of point.

Nevertheless, if there is any one difference between the human soul and the animal soul, it is that the human soul needs saving, and the animal soul doesn't. Jesus came to save the human race only because the human race needed saving, only because the sins are only sins by human standards.

And perhaps, I shall close with this story I got off the internet:

An elderly widow's beloved little dog died after fifteen faithful years. Distraught, she went to her pastor.

"Parson," she said, tears streaming down her cheeks, "the vicar said animals have no souls. My darling little dog Fluffy has died. Does that mean I won’t see her again in heaven?"

"Madam," said the old priest, "God, in his great love and wisdom has created heaven to be a place of perfect happiness. I am sure that if you need your little dog to complete your happiness, you will find her there."

You'd break your neck to keep your chin up.

2010-06-27T00:28:00.000+08:00

I have a rather queer habit.

Every time I listen to my iPod, I like to put it on "shuffle", so that the songs I listen to will be random.

However, I would always already have a song/songs in mind that I would like to listen to, and the iPod would usually never play the song/songs I have in my mind. And then, I would keep hitting the "forward" button until this song/songs play.

So, does my iPod really have the freewill to choose for itself what songs to play?

Do we really have the freewill we think we have? Or is it a freedom equivalent to one of a dog on a leash?

Oh there will be love love love wherever you go

2010-06-21T01:10:00.005+08:00

Sonnet 14 - If thou must love me, let it be for nought

XIV

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
'I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'—
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee,—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,—
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Talismans/men

2010-06-10T02:40:00.000+08:00

Two pieces of talisman.
Black ink on yellow paper.

A secret message,
an ancient riddle.

He dare not read
any deeper.

the glass eye

2010-06-09T00:49:00.002+08:00

I walked home today
without my spectacles
showing the world to me.

How different would my life be
if I had perfect eyesight?

Or, if I am actually blind.

oreos are now upon us

2010-06-02T23:10:00.002+08:00

Ipsen and his good friend Colin worked at a tavern in Treno.

One day, Ipsen got a letter. The letter was so wet from rain that most of the writing was illegible. The only part he could read said, 'Come back home.'.

Nowadays, we have airships and stuff, but back then, it was really hard to travel.

He didn't know why he had to go back, but he got some time off, gathered his things, and set out on his journey home. He walked a thousand leagues through the Mist. Sometimes he was attacked by vicious monsters, but he made it, because his friend Colin was by his side.

And then, after much time on the road... He had to ask Colin something:

"Why did you come with me?"

"Only because I wanted to go with you"

- Zidane, in Final Fantasy IX

And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?

2010-05-30T00:39:00.002+08:00

“Think of this – that the writer wrote alone, and the reader read alone, and they were alone with each other. True, the writer may have been alone also with Spenser’s golden apples in the Faerie Queen, Proserpina’s garden, glistering bright among the place’s ashes and cinders, may have seen in his mind’s eye, apple of his eye, the golden fruit of the Primavera, may have seen Paradise Lost, in the garden where Eve recalled Pomona and Proserpina. He was alone when he wrote and he was not alone then, all these voices sang, the same words, golden apples, different worlds in different places, an Irish castle, an unseen cottage, elastic-walled and grey round blind eyes.”

– A.S Byatt, Possession

Flight of Icarus

2010-05-29T01:41:00.008+08:00

They stood at the ledge, both Daedalus and Icarus, ready to escape Crete in magnificent flight. Two wings were specially furnished, fashioned remarkably in wax, waiting to bring the two mortals into the open sky.

Looking out towards the sea, they could see only the water and horizon. Freedom laid itself out before them, the open water and the endless sky. They would escape Crete at last.

"Are you ready, son?"

"Yes, father, I am."

"Remember, never go too near to the sea nor to the sun. For the sea will dampen your wings, making it too heavy for flight and the sun is too hot for your wax wings."

They jumped off, and their wings flapped in silent flight. Angry waves were crashing below, and the sun was shining greatly above. The two mortals took flight like angels, or some might even believe them to be gods.

As they were in mid-flight, Icarus began to fly higher and higher. Some said the heat got to Icarus, and that he became giddy. Others said he was dazzled and fascinated by the beauty of the sun. As he went higher in flight, the wax on his wings began to slow drip off, feathers were slowly becoming bare arms.

"Icarus! Stop! You are too near the sun!" Daedalus screamed but his caution landed only on deaf ears, for Icarus was not listening. He was in his own world of thoughts.

"What's the use of flying if I could only fly to a certain height?"

Icarus's fingers began to show.

"What's the use of wings if I was only supposed to return to land?"

The wings were disappearing, his hands were showing.

"I shall fly high, even if it meant that it would be my last flight."

There were no more wings, and he plummeted toward the sea.

"At least, I've been higher than where I was supposed to be."

At least, he flew.

Our paths they did cross though I cannot say just why

2010-05-24T18:10:00.001+08:00

And, yes, it's my birthday. Yeah, I am 22, I am so happy.

I do believe I've grown up, despite my rather childish behaviours. It's just... everyone is growing, everyone is losing their youth every second, but they only realise this once a year and it's already too late. I just want to... be childish before I can no longer.

Well, anyway, I've received this card from a group of my friends (Alex, Andrea, Bryan, Chen Min, Dixon, Jeff, Jia Yan, Shu Ting, Xin Di, Ying Hui, Yong Jie and Zhi Wei). Not the small birthday card that you can buy from Kinokuniya, but a big custom card on which all them drew their variations of Cloud, who is one of my favourite characters from my favourite video game, Final Fantasy VII.

It is a very touching gesture, and I know that many of them would not have known who Cloud is and would have needed to go onto the internet to find out, and I know that many of my friends aren't exactly artists, but still, the pictures were all excellent and the effort made everything even more beautiful. This gift of friendship is invaluable and I would not trade it for the world.

I shall not do the card injustice by taking a picture of it, so just try to imagine its awesomeness as it lies in my room while I try to think of a place to properly place it.

Okay, my birthday aside, I must tell everyone who is reading this a very special something which I saw one morning when I went for training at MacRitchie. I forgot when this was, sometime during last week. As usual, I arrived at the reservoir in the early morning, and I saw on top of the water a layer of mist. And the whole place looked like a dreamscape.

Mist is such an interesting phenomena. Maybe it's called fog, I am not sure. But it's actually water evaporating from the surface, but then, never quite left the surface of the water. It's as if it's in a "liminal state". Trapped in between leaving and staying, and yet at the same time open and ambiguous, free from definition.

"Liminality", this has been the word on my mind for quite some time now. We are liminal creatures. Always transiting, always ambiguous, always not open for definition, and yet, we are trapped in this very ambiguity that we surround ourselves in. We contradict ourselves but yet affirms in contradictions. We are mutable and our mutability becomes our only constant. We believe only because we doubt. We let go because we love.

We are like mist, which wants to ascend to the sky but at the same time, misses the water body. And then we remain there, in a state of limbo, not wanting to lean to one side or the other, because we do not know what's on one side or the other. Could it be hell? Could it be heaven? We choose not to make a decision because we fear the consequences of making one, but in choosing we have already decided. We have decided that we shall be this way, hanging in the in-between, as if we were trying to keep the see-saw from leaning on one side.

Like the mist, we disappear eventually. We could be blown by the wind, we could have returned to where we came from, or we could have really ascended to the sky. And the beauty of creating a dreamscape becomes only a short lived one. However, the beauty, though short lived, would have remained eternal in the eyes of those who beheld it.

All of us are dreamers and dreams at the exact same moment.

And it was all yellow.

2010-05-18T14:42:00.003+08:00

Long break from writing, everybody must be wondering what has happened to me that I have not written even though exams ended 2 Fridays ago. So here's a little update of what happened in my life, courtesy of myself to all my friends and possible unknown stalkers who might be interested in what's going on for reasons that I will never be able to comprehend.

Church. The number 1 most time consuming part of my life. Practically the whole of last week has been taken up by the church in preparation of the "My Idea of Heaven" event that happened last Friday. I'm not complaining though, because I was really impacted by the responses that I received. If I haven't decided to push that extra step and go the extra mile, I probably wouldn't have discovered what I found. My thanks to Rita, Xingyi, Boon Lai, Jeff and Yong Jie for working with me on this project. It's really the experience that I am most thankful for. And for my friends who aren't in church, this is what I've been working on.

Canoeing. The canoe team is training every single morning from Monday to Saturday now, and it's really tiring. Not the physical training kind of tiring, but really the need to wake up early every morning kind of tiring. I'm not a morning person, as many of you probably know. So it's really an epic struggle for me to get out of bed at 7am in the morning just to go for training. Training has been rather discouraging as well, because I'm rowing in a new boat now and I am extremely unfamiliar with it, causing me to capsize countless times in the reservoir. Just this morning, I thought about why I am canoeing. Other than the fact that it is helping me to be less fat than I would have been and that I have great team mates, I really don't know why else I am doing this. Perhaps it would have been better that I picked up a performing art, one that I can ask my friends to come for a concert and see me perform. When it's canoeing, we only train for races, and none of my friends would bother to watch me race or even talk about it anyway. But then again, it was just a passing thought.

Work. I have applied to a whopping number of 6 companies in search of a temporary job as probably an admin clerk or something. It has been a week and none of them has responded and it's really very discouraging. I really want to get a job so I can afford the Taiwan trip that we are planning for this August and also the PS3 that is calling out to me.

Scholarship. I got shortlisted for the "Lim Kim San Memorial Scholarship" which is technically a scholarship for people who come from families that earn less than $5000 a month, like me. It's a bond-less scholarship from the SPH Foundation for students of languages, which for my case is English. The interview is next Tuesday and I have no idea what I'm supposed to prepare for it, but I'm excited nonetheless. Really thank God for this opportunity! And I hope I don't mess up the interview! Oh gosh, getting all anxious now.

And also... I have nothing more to say. I am reading Possessions now and there's so much that I want to quote from it. Basically a whole bunch of religious and literary quotable treasures that I found.

And... I just got reminded by Andrea Khong Lilian that I should get started on researching the Taiwan itinerary.

So... I should stop writing.

Will you still love me tomorrow?

2010-05-10T01:42:00.016+08:00

Alright, I don't have much time here but I feel like blogging so I'll do a short one. Training in the morning so it's not really wise that I stay up too late (insomnia or not). And, I probably won't be able to do any writing because the "My Idea of Heaven" event is really dragging me down alot. It is hard to get things done. And it's actually even harder to get people to get things done.

Oh well, anyway, I decided to check out what some of my friends' names meant. The list isn't exhaustive and there are probably other meanings that I could have missed out. I don't have the time to list everybody's so please forgive me if I missed out yours (I've just met these people for the past 2 days so they are on my mind right now).

Alex: Protector of mankind (Greek)
Andrea: Courageous (Greek); Brave (French)
Bryan: Strong one (Irish)
Don: World leader (Irish); Dark stranger (Celtic)
Eleanor: Light (Greek) ; Shining light (English)
Gladys: Lame (Welsh) ; Sword (Latin) ; Princess (Irish)
Jeff: Divinely peaceful (German)
Joel: God is willing (Israelite) ; Jehovah is God (Hebrew)
Sabrina: Cactus fruit (Hebrew) ; Legendary princess (English) ; Princess (Irish) ; From the border (Italian)
Simon: It is heard (Hebrew) ; Hear/Listen (Scottish/Spanish)

Most of us have really interesting names, isn't it? I didn't know we had a cactus fruit with us all this time. And I'm not making fun of anybody's name, okay!

Can't read my poker face.

2010-05-01T12:43:00.006+08:00

Yeah I'm back to blogging again, from a nearly 1 week long hiatus. Well, the week's been really bad, and there were times when I really felt like I wanted to blog because my muse was completely active (for the bloody wrong reasons) in the middle of the night while I was mugging my head off for the paper in the following morning. So imagine me trying to concentrate on writing notes, and my muse is urging me to write on the blog. Total distraction.

Anyway, the fact that I am blogging again doesn't mean that my exams are over. On the contrary, well, what else could be on the contrary? It's not over. There's still another paper in a week's time on Friday, and you know what? I don't give 2 cents about it. Well, actually I do la (I'm still not that crazy), but there's still ample time as it is a relatively easy paper, in my opinion. Media writing, you get a story and some other stuff, you write a news report and a press release. Er, maybe not that simple, but I'll start revising probably on Monday and shall take this weekend to breathe.

Exams were really, urgh. Smoke-out for most parts, especially HL107 Classical Lit, because I am so ill-prepared for it because I don't know how to prepare for it. I've never written such short essays for a lit exam before (2 pages). Okay, maybe I have. But that's not the point, the essays are still too short for examination standards! MB107 Business Law is worrying too. I felt I did okay for the paper because I covered almost all the areas in the questions, but people are coming to me and telling me that they are glad they S/Ued (not sued) the paper, or telling me that they flunk it, such that I am getting a little worried myself. The worst thing for an academic is to NOT KNOW that you do not know some things. You think you know what you are doing, but you actually do not know it, and then you will screw up real bad. If Socrates is considered to be the wisest man in history because he knows that he does not know, then the opposite can be easily translated as stupidity.

One of the more prominent thoughts in my head recently is self-identity. I've been asking myself, how much do I really know about who I am. Okay, just some technical stuff for those interested. Self-identity is separated into 4 parts known as the Johari Window. So there are parts that are known to the self, unknown to the self, known to others, unknown to others. So when you put these parts into a matrix, you get the 4 areas in the Johari Window: OPEN, BLIND, HIDDEN, UNKNOWN. Just like in the diagram below.

Alright, that's the brief introduction to self-concept. The diagram is really just for reference anyway, because in actuality, our identity is not as equally spaced out as the diagram shows. Some people have hidden areas that are extremely huge (which is really common anyway), while others have huge blind areas, so on and so forth.

Okay, and that's it for self-concept. Thank you for paying attention to Don's self-concept 101 lecture

Anyway, yes, so by thinking about my self-identity, what I really want to know is, just how much of myself do I not know, and what are these things actually? If you refer to the Johari Window, that's the blind and unknown area for me.

Sometimes I really feel that I do not know myself very well. You ever get the feeling sometimes? Like there some things that you have no idea why you do them, some words that you have no idea why you say and some feelings that you have no idea why you feel. And sometimes, people gets irritated or angry at you and you don't even know why. Such events really call for some self-reflection and character enhancement

Okay, and since we are at the topic (I thought of switching topic at this point but decided to just stick to one topic per post and talk about other stuff in other posts) of identity, I suppose it's good talk about the HIDDEN area as well. If you don't know yet, you should probably know now that people are very much not what they seem to be. There are those who are more real than others, but what you see in almost everybody is easily just the tip of the iceberg.

An iceberg is the perfect example (though overused) for identity. Like an iceberg, most people only show a small small small portion of who they are in the outside world. Only the tip of the iceberg floats on the surface of the water, while the rest of it lies submerged in the water. For those who knows psychoanalysis, this "iceberg" is the super-ego, ego and id (from surface to bottom). I'm not just saying someone who's a hypocrite or have multiple identities, even the simplest and innocent and pure person falls under this theory as well.

You can be as real as you want, but the truth remains that everybody hides something from everyone else. It could be romantic feelings for some people, it could be some inferiority complex, it could be some feeling of inadequacy among friends, it could be anything. But whatever it may be, people hide things for a reason. Some times it's good for some things to be revealed, but most times it's better to just remain quiet about it until an appropriate moment, or not speak about it at all.

So to round it all up before this post gets too long and becomes something you get from a textbook (which it probably already seems like its becoming), it is good that if you find out a secret or something hidden from somebody, it's really best that you keep it to yourself unless you really have to do otherwise. Don't be a gossiper, or you'll easily be the one gossiped about. You know full well that you have your own secrets to be kept as well.

'Cause you bring out the best in me, like no one else can do.

2010-04-25T23:57:00.003+08:00

Dear Students,

It has been brought to my attention that some of you did not procure the prescribed course texts. Only the Aeneid, the Metamorphoses and the Confessions are not available on edventure. I will allow you to bring alternative editions of these three texts into the exam as long as you e-mail me publication details of the alternative texts you're using prior to the exam. Anyone caught plagiarizing from the critical apparatus on these books will be crucified upside down.

I realise that the bookshop failed to order the books, but in the age of internet shopping - which some of you appear to be able to do even while listening to lectures - there's absolutely no excuse for not having the right books for your classes. Please do not come into my classes in future with this kind of careless attitude. I was very emphatic at the start of the semester about the requirement that we all read the same editions of these texts.

I realised today that my lecturer has been harbouring a great amount of hatred for us which has penultimately led up to the sending of this email, threatening to crucify us upside down. On hindsight, I wonder if those throwing of greek-bombs at us, such as 'method = meta + hodos', were really ways of getting back at us for not finishing the required readings or for the few people who can't keep their mouths shut during lectures.

I realised also, that if he indeed had been harbouring such a great amount of hatred, we could be in really deep trouble this Wednesday.

Tonight's the night, for the sinners and the saints. Two worlds collide, in a beautiful display.

2010-04-24T23:17:00.005+08:00

I am not become any kind of an Atheist, nor yet positivist, at least, not as to the extreme religious position of those who make a religion out of Humanity - for although I wish my fellow men well, and find them endlessly interesting, yet there are more things in Heaven and Earth than were created for their, that is our, benefit. The impulses to religion might be the need to trust - or the capacity for wonder - and my own religious feelings have always been inspired more by the latter. I find it hard to shift without the Creator - the more we see and understand, the more amazement there is in this strangely interrelated heap of things - which is yet not disordered...

...The truth is - my dear Miss LaMotte - that we live in an old world - a tired world - a world that has gone on piling up speculation and observations until truths that might have been graspable in the bright Dayspring of human morning - by young Plotinus or the ecstatic John on Patmos - are now obscured by palimpsest on palimpsest, by thick horny growths over that clear vision - as moulting serpents, before they burst forth with their new flexible-brilliant skins, are blinded by the crusts of their old one - or we might say, as the lovely lines of faith that sprung up in the aspiring towers of the ancient minsters and abbeys are both worn away by time and grime, softly shrouded by the smutty accretions of our industrial cities, our wealth, our discoveries themselves, our Progress. Now I cannot believe, being no Manichee, that He, the Creator, if he exists, did not make us and our world that which we are. He made us curious, did he not? - he made us questioning - and the Scribe of Genesis did well to locate the source of all our misery in that greed for knowledge which has also been our greatest spur - in some sense - to good. To good and evil. We have more of both those, I must believe, than our primitive parents.

Now, my great question is, has He withdrawn Himself from our vision so that by diligence of our own matured minds we might find out his Ways - now so far away from us - or have we by sin, or by some necessary thickening of our skins before the new stages of the metamorphosis - have we reached some stage which necessitates our consciousness of our ignorance and distance - and is this necessity health or sickness?

- "Randolph Henry Ash's letter" in Possession, A. S. Byatt

So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you'll wait for me.

2010-04-20T23:22:00.001+08:00

Today is the first time in a long time that I actually stayed within a 1km radius from my house (I can't say home because I did leave my house to buy lunch) and I realised that I accomplished so much more than an average day out.

Here's what I accomplished:

1. Read Possession. (slow reading, because I really want to take my time to enjoy this)

2. Practiced guitar. (Scales, cords, tried songs but it was so difficult that it got demoralising so I stopped)

3. Swept and mopped my room.

4. Paid credit card bills.

5. Bought lunch home from Yew Tee.

6. Rented 十月围城 ("Bodyguards and Assassins") from video store at Yew Tee.

7. Watched 十月围城 ("Bodyguards and Assassins") while having lunch.

8. Revised for HL105, which is for this Friday. (HL105, in my opinion is the easiest Lit paper to revise for. Because there is so little text, and so little to revise, compared to... ~~you know, 107~~ )

I really feel that I've done quite abit, but on the other hand, I feel a lack of connection with my friends because I have not corresponded with them for the entire day. I practically have not held a conversation with anyone except my mum (of which the conversation consisted only of dinner contents).

This is declared an effecient day, but not healthy for my social life in the long run. ~~(public life V private life, Butterfly V Beetle, Abraham's Promise)~~

in other news: I am still convincing myself that we ACTUALLY booked tickets for Taiwan already. It's so surreal. It's like a dream, that we are really going to fly off this August. I am happy. It's the kind of things that will keep me smiling in my dreams for weeks.

ALL DONE

2010-04-16T04:20:00.002+08:00

Yes at last. I love the sight of striking off every assignment I have on the list. :D

10 reasons to know if you should study literature

2010-04-13T01:03:00.000+08:00

1. You carry a novel wherever you go. Wait, did I say JUST a novel?

2. A friend tells you, "Why are you so slow? It is really cold!" and you go, "Hey, that rhymes!"

3. You see something, say a mark on the wall, and you think of everything other thing EXCEPT the mark on the wall.

4. When you read the term PAP, the first thing that comes to mind is Pride and Prejudice.

5. You always feel disappointed after watching a novel based movie. But you still want to watch novel based movies all the time.

6. You are hoping for a particular novel to be turned into a movie and hoping it will not be a disappointment.

7. You have some sort of "quote stash" somewhere.

8. You have some crush for an author or even character.

9. You have a habit of just staring at your bookshelf and admiring the beauty of all your books.

10. People keep asking you if you want to be a teacher when you graduate.

trip woes

2010-04-11T21:05:00.003+08:00

I don't know. I really really don't know. How did I get filled up with so much animosity? Why did I react so violently (not physically, but mentally)? I have no idea at all. It's not that I hate him. No, I don't hate him. But why? Why oh why am I so concerned about this matter? I really don't get myself sometimes. I see him as a friend, I really do. He's a nice guy, he shows concern, he drives me home when we go out. And now he wants to tag along on our little trip... how come...

Maybe it's because we started off with just us. And I expect it to be just us because we started off with just us. It's us who hoped together for ST to go, it's us who got together our dreams, our desires, our expectations and came up with this plan. It's ultimately - our plan. That may sound a little exclusive, I admit, but it's the best reason I could come up with. However... you are right... you are right in saying its okay for him to tag along. You are right in saying that you don't see any reason why we shouldn't let him come aboard... because, I don't see any reason as well.

I am a little surprised at myself even. When you said, "Meng Hui, I thought you would be okay with it one leh!" I really wondered. Yes. I thought I would be okay with it also. But what happened to me? Again, the question - where did all this animosity come from? This thing... monster... hiding in me, probably with many other monsters, slowly creeping it's way out of my soul. Meng Hui... what happened to the easy going, everything-okay, 爽快 Meng Hui? Maybe maybe...

What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.

- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

Maybe Shakespeare was wrong. Maybe everything is in a name. Maybe I wasn't Meng Hui when I reacted like that, maybe I wasn't Don either. Maybe... I was another person altogether. Maybe that's why I feel uncomfortable when people who used to call me Don called me Meng Hui and those who call me Meng Hui calls me Don. And then I... I don't know what to call this 'other' person. This other identity.

I don't know. This is really killing me. I feel like I'm getting torn into two. Maybe not into two. I just... don't feel myself. But then again, who is "myself" to start with? Is it the identity I assumed and am now performing? Is my identity the one that I am acting, or the one that I am an actor? I want to just peel myself down to the core like an onion and scream at what I will find "JUST WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU?!", scream at myself, scream at... nothing.

What am I but identities? A mish-mash of identities? Rings after rings of performance onion. You strip it down and you will find more rings of performance, of acting and more and more and more. You think you can find the true onion in the core, but no. You, I, all I find is just more rings, more rings, and when i reach the centre, emptiness stare at me. Silence. Who am I but performance onion rings?

"But how come you don't let him come along but let her tag along?" I don't know. Okay? I don't know. I really really don't know. Don't ask me, ask him, the other me. He should know. He should know very well. If you ask me, I will just tell you that I also won't let her tag along, because we planned this as a group and this is "our plan". It's exclusive. But then again... she's different.. from him...

Maybe it's how he likes to put himself on a moral highground. Maybe it's how she's always willing to listen to my rather unconventional and controversial views and then tells me how she thought about the same thing and really comforts me in telling me that it's alright and it's human and how she teaches me how to live my christian life alongside these thoughts. Maybe it's how he's so over-enthusiastic at times (but what's wrong with being over-enthusiastic?) Maybe it's... I don't know. They are just different.

I'm sorry if I acted weird. I'm sorry if I looked really grumpy. I really thank all of you for your concerns, and for planning this trip together. I love all of you. I'm feeling okay now. I just hope everything will just turn out well. I thank God for all of you friends. Let's get these essays and exams over and done with and then we can enjoy Taiwan 110%! :D

Captain-ship

2010-04-10T22:02:00.000+08:00

"How's YCG leadership ministry going along for you?"

This question plays in my head like... like... iTunes that hanged and therefore sounds like a broken music player.

I understand everybody's concerns and all, but really, what do you expect me to say? I'm still trying to find my way around, I'm still unclear about many things and I really don't know what I should say.

"Well, it's been alright."

And well, it has been, actually.

The ride has been rather smooth so far. Initiatives such as the YCG bonding session were implemented pretty okay. We've set down the new plan and direction for my YCG. Everything is moving along pretty well.

However, it's been only a week and I have already learnt my first lesson of being in the YCG ministry: Faith.

I'm someone who loves to have things in control. In whatever I do, I want to know the plans, I want to know my options, I want to know the possible outcomes, I want to know the steps. I want to be able to know what to do at which step and what might happen and what to do when that something happen.

It's something I picked up from my army experience, really. Because when I am put out there to do the things I do, I've got to have the whole gameplan in my mind. No one's going to prompt me, no one's going to give me warning signs or tell me I'm going in a wrong direction. One wrong move and... well, shan't say more.

But anyway, I am like that. And I brought this mentality into the ministry. I worked out the plan for my YCG, I identify problems, I start a few initiatives. It's been okay, but not everything is as I would have expected it to be.

First week into the ministry and I'm made to be the captain of the mini-soccer team that we are having. Now this is something a little different. I've never had to go source for manpower for anything before. Manpower is usually given to me whenever I need something done. This time, I had to go figure out who I should call, call them and really really PRAY and HOPE that they will turn up on Saturday.

This is not the army. I don't tell the guy to come and expect him to come because I am going to give him extra duties or confinement if he doesn't turn up. Here, I ask if the guy will come and really hope that he will come because it doesn't matter to him whether he turns up or not. It's not as if I know them very well. It's not as if I am their greatest buddy whom they can't disappoint. I am just another leader getting the team together.

And this where faith comes in. I am not the phone-chatter type. So for me to pick up the phone and ask people if they are coming for soccer the next day is a pretty foreign thing to me. I did consider the usage of SMS, but really, I want to connect with them. I don't want to just send a mass sms and let them know of the time and venue.

What should I say to them? How do I connect with them? How do I let them know that I am sincerely asking them to come and enjoy a game of soccer tomorrow?

I don't know. I really really don't know. All I know was that I have to mutter a prayer and just pick up my phone and call them and hope they pick up their phone. They did. One by one, they picked up their phone, and I just managed to so casually strike up a conversation with them.

In the end, they all came. They all turned up on the pitch, all ready to have fun and play soccer. Really, it didn't matter that we won (which I am also happy about), but all that mattered was that they all came down in full support. That's what touched me the most.

And that's how it is with faith. It's not about doing the things that we are good at, that we know what to do, that we already have a plan for. It's really about doing the complete opposite and trusting God to help you with it.

This is only the beginning of my journey. There are many things ahead of me that I really have no idea how to accomplish. Things that are so foreign, so new, so unfamiliar to me. Things like calling people up and asking how their life is and having "follow-up" with them. I can ask all the leaders that I want to, but ultimately I will need faith and God's help to find the right words and the right things to say and ask.

I don't know everything. But really, I don't need to know everything.

A proposal to solve the foreign labour problem in our Land

2010-04-05T21:16:00.003+08:00

TO The People of the Elite Republic:

Recently there has been an increase in displeasure concerning the influx of foreign workers from India and China in our land. People are displeased as the import of foreign talents meant that our jobs are stolen and there is less space in our already cramped state.

Trains become overcrowded because of these foreign workers. Places where foreign workers hang out are reportedly to be unsafe and more police presence is requested. There is also a hygiene problem associated with foreign workers.

I understand that because our society is such a fine and refined and re-refined place, it is really difficult to accept these foreign talents. The presence of these talents will only taint our perfect society where everybody is gracious and kind and courteous. Their presence puts the safety of our children and women at risk as all our locals are perfectly law abiding people and there would be no crime if not for the foreign workers.

Because of this very serious problem of the import of foreign talents, I propose the following solution to solve this problem.

These foreign workers have been employed here for purposes such as construction, road maintenance, garbage clearing, road sweeping and other jobs that require hard labour. These jobs need to be carried on in order to maintain the perfect city that we are currently enjoying. In order to shift these workers out of our country, perhaps the only solution is for our citizens to take up such jobs.

These tasks are difficult, and only those who have been trained will be able to do it. Because of this difficulty, we will have to begin selecting children from every family and put them through specific training for the specified tasks and make them carry out these roles with professionalism. After their training, they will then join the profession (construction worker, road sweeper, garbage clearer etc) and pursue it as a career for their whole life.

Because these jobs are important in the maintenance of our city as a clean and green and perfect city, I suggest that we get the people who are most responsible and gracious to do it for us. In view of this, we should therefore enlist the children of families whose income lies in the top 10% of this city. There also other reasons for this.

Getting the rich to do this low paying task would also contribute in closing the income gap, which is a social problem that the gracious and thoughtful rich has been trying to solve but couldn’t find a solution to. We are solving two problems with one solution here, which I believe goes in line with the efficiency and productivity mentality that this city subscribes to.

Such a proposal not only solves the problem of foreign workers in this city, but also closes the income gap, and it even allows the gracious and kind rich to do their part in developing this country. No one will be here to steal our jobs because our children will be trained to fill these jobs. There will be no more cramped trains. The city will be so safe that we won't even need to have the police force anymore. I strongly encourage the citizens to think through this proposal and put it into action.

Breathe

2010-04-01T00:57:00.003+08:00

It's that time of the semester. Assignments and project deadlines are just around the corner. Essays are due. Meetings after meetings after meetings. And the examinations are just waiting ahead to deal the final blow to our already miserable student life.

It's that time when everybody start posting hate tweets about their lecturers and project group mates, when people start writing doom posts on their blogs and become very emo on Facebook.

It's that time of the semester when I have to wake up early every single morning to go for project meetings or lessons and have 2 essays waiting for me to write and I have no mood to write either and have decided to blog instead. Oh, the irony!

I felt a little overwhelmed during yesterday's(Tuesday) lecture. It wasn't the content of the lecture. HL105 has always been rather easy for simple-minded people like me. (unlike HL107, Classical Literature ~~for Masters in Philosophy~~)

It was really the accumulation of readings and project works and lectures and tutorials and church and life and everything else that comes with it. It happens sometimes: when you suddenly feel as if everything is so heavy and overwhelming you can hardly catch your breath before the next something catches up on you and says "HEY START WORK NOW! START WORK NOW!"

It's horrible, this endless race and this paper chase. I tell myself to be more optimistic about it. I even tell others to cheer up. I tell them that we are not here to be educated, but to experience education. I give myself a new reason to go to school each day other than to study. But still, I have to admit, it's difficult. GPA remains a fact that we have to grapple with. It's there. It's staring at us. It holds the key to our future. How can I just simply ignore it?

But even so, we are not robots. We may be cultivated like one, we may be educated like one, but WE ARE NOT ROBOTS. Give yourself a break. I have to give myself a break. I am not here to be educated, I am here to experience education. That still holds true to me. GPA is still important to me. But I won't put my soul down on the altar for GPA's sake.

I may be overwhelmed, I may feel burdened, but no, it's not going to bring me down. If I need to step out of lecture theatre and take a breather, I will. I will breathe the air, the natural and non-air-conditioned air. I will let the fresh air fill my lungs again.

I will breathe. I am human.

Fly

2010-03-25T23:10:00.005+08:00

We should always remember
what got us to fly in the air
wasn't wings,
but dreams.

Atheism

2010-03-25T02:29:00.002+08:00

“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” – Stephen Roberts

This is too difficult for me. Help.

A.R.T

2010-03-23T21:51:00.002+08:00

ART is sighTing. ART is heARing.
ART is Touching. ART is TAsTing.

ART is hAppy. Art is sAd.
ART is feAR. Art is Awe.

ART is nATuRAl. ART is ARTificiAl
ART is ReAl. ART is surreAl.

ART is plAin. ART is AbsTRAcT.
ART is pRivATe. ART is sociAl.

ART is YOU.
ART is ME.

ART is LOVE.
ART is LIFE.

'High Wind Takes to The Skies'

2010-03-22T02:24:00.011+08:00

Have I ever mentioned that the Highwind from FFVII is my favourite airship from all the FF series? Ragnarok only looks awesome in the CG video when it is attacking the Lunatic Pandora. Highwind looks great anywhere.

Well, there's not much competition anyway. I don't know any airships from pre-FFVII and from FFIX onwards, the airships have practically disappeared. I don't know why, so don't ask me. They still have airships, but you can no longer control them like how you can in FFVII and FFVIII.

I remember having fun (and LOTS of fun) by just simply flying Highwind around the world. I'll put it just on top of Midgar, I'll try to 'park' it in the empty lot where the rocket used to be in Rocket Town, I'll hover it just over the Northern Crater, I'll see how fast I can get from one end of the map to another, I'll fly on the sea just to see the little spray that the airship creates over water, I'll point the Highwind in the direction that Sister Ray in Midgar is facing and see if it really can hit Northern Crater. And of course, I remember chasing Ultima Weapon on it. And, knocking into Ruby Weapon. And, knocking into the Northern Crater's barrier before Sister Ray shot it. *BANG*

Inside the Highwind, you will find the meeting room where you will find the most used save point in the game. You will also find Yuffie getting airsick and asking you to give her all your materia once its all over. There's also the chocobo corner where you can store your favourite chocobo! Inside the cockpit you will find the rest of the gang and 2 crewmen who are always busy and panicking and if you talk to one, he will make an error in whatever he was doing. But of course, the most important person in the Highwind is the pilot, who will level up and become only a full-fledged pilot when you reach the final confrontation stage and then he will open turbo for the Highwind. (even up till today I can't decide if I like the Highwind with or without the turbo)

And of course, the Highwind was the backdrop for the most romantic scene in FFVII. Who can forget that?

Dang, I am missing FFVII again.

Past Present Future

2010-03-17T02:15:00.001+08:00

Basically a brief summary of what I've been doing, what I'm doing, and what I will have to be doing.

The Journey To Seek

2010-03-13T00:50:00.000+08:00

A man goes on a journey to seek god. The man does not want to just believe. He wants to find god even if he knows he will never find him. People around him tells him not to. They say it's too dangerous. They say he should just believe. "You will never find god, you can only believe!" They try their best to pursuade him. "Stay here, just stay here. Don't go out there, you'll never find what you want."

He goes on a journey to seek god. There is a rumour going on. The rumour says god can be found in Logic. He goes to Logic. Such a journey takes him miles and miles away from home. Some of his friends at home say he's lost forever. Lost on a journey to Logic. He reaches Logic, and finds no god. God does not stay here.

He goes on a journey to seek god. There is another rumour: On the top of Mt. Reason, you will find the almighty. He goes. He climbs and he climbs. He gave Mt. Reason all that he has. At last, he reaches the summit. He finds no god. God does not stay here.

He goes on a journey to seek god. And yet there is another rumour. In the city of Evidence! That's where you will find him! So says the rumour. He goes. He picks up all the clues, little hints here and there. And at last, he reaches the city, and yet, he finds no god. God does not stay here.

He goes on a journey to seek god. But he finds no god. He returns to his hometown, and the townsmen made fun of him. "Look, back from his wonderful journey! Have you found god? Tell us the logic, show us your reason and present your evidence. We told you that you'll never find him."

The man went on a journey to seek god. But he never found him. He should never find him. If he did find god, then god wouldn't be God. He did not find God, but he found why he could believe in God.

The man went on a journey to seek God, didn't find God, but found faith instead. Now he knows what he does not know. It's not blind faith, because he knows where to place his belief in. Not in Logic. Not in Mt. Reason. Not in the city of Evidence. Not in his hometown Religion. He places in belief only on God, because that's the only thing he couldn't find.

The people at his hometown says he has wasted his time because he had went on a journey and came back to where he was. But that's not the case. At least for him, he has went to Logic, Mt. Reason and the city of Evidence. He may not have returned with the answer. But he has returned with the experience of the journey.

"Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving." - Terry Pratchett

Decisions. Decisions. (on serving the local church)

2010-03-07T22:50:00.001+08:00

“Do you have any desire to be YCG leader?”

“Er... no. I don’t think so.”

“WHAT?!” *grabs chair to whack me* (jokingly of course)

“Er, I have many thoughts which are really controversial to the religion, which I don’t think is appropriate and might be stumbling.”

“It’s ok. I also have controversial thoughts what, remember I talked to you all about casino? (which he did) Also very controversial what. (not that controversial actually)”

“Aiya... I’ll go home and think about it...”

And I SHALL think about it. And I shall be straightforward. And I shall use plain English.

There are obviously many reasons why I don’t want to step into the YCG leader ministry. The main reason being how I have been disillusioned and disappointed with some leaders whom I have worked with in the past.

I always wonder why some leaders just refuse to work together for a common goal. (if we are doing this for God, shouldn't we be doing this for God together?) This region event has been most sobering. Leaders whom I asked to act for the drama just simply refuse to. Reasons: Not free (even though he/she finished A’Levels and is like super free), Don’t feel like it, Don’t know how to act (and don’t want to learn, obviously). And yet, when they talk, they act as if they are doing oh so much for the ministry, that the ministry is taking up SO much of their time. I don’t know what to call this.

And then there’s this thing about myself. In my quest to explore religion and its truths, I somehow detached myself from the religion itself (but not backslide) and now I just can’t buy everything the pastors say simply because I am a Christian and have to be a good boy. This detachment came naturally, but only because I was seeking to be objective about the things I think and write. And because of this detachment, things like “Because God says so” or “Because we really can’t understand God’s ways anyway” or “Even Jesus didn’t know why He died” sounds very weak excuses to be ignorant about loops holes and imperfections. I have become a little too critical, and the bad part is that I don’t see anything bad about it.

I am someone who never believed in “ministry”. Because to me, a Christian’s ministry is in living his/her life. Ministry in church is something I call ‘recognized ministry’. That means it is something that you do for God and people recognize you for it. Sometimes, people take recognized ministry more importantly than their life ministry, which makes them a little of a hypocrite and I don’t want that to happen to me.

So that’s going to be why I probably won’t want to join the YCG leaders ministry. But I said I will think about it, so I have to think about why I should join the YCG leaders ministry. There’s always the flip side to the coin, so let’s flip it.

This took me awhile, and I had to talk to a few friends.

“God doesn’t just call people to be leaders. He sometimes calls people to be leaders of leaders.”

While discussing with a friend, this sentence struck me. Not because I am so egoistic that I want to be a leader of the leaders, but because it really coincided with my vision for the YCG ministry.

Personally, I really want my region’s leaders to improve themselves, to put their effort and heart into producing quality work, to be true to themselves, to put their heart and soul into the ministry. However, I really am not achieving much by being an armchair critic and always talking bad about them. If I want change, I have to be the agent of change, I have to lead the change that I want to see in the people I want to change.

And that was the reason why Jeff and I got ourselves to be involved in the planning of the region event anyway. Because we got sick of last minute preparation, rushed work and poor performance. Because we wanted to see the leaders change and realise that being efficient is possible. If this event itself is not enough to stir them, then being a leader myself probably might.

But what of my thoughts and ideas to pursue greater understanding and truths? Am I to abandon them for the sake of having a halo on my head? I don’t think so. In fact, if I think that the pursuit of greater understanding and truths is a good thing, why am I so afraid of it if I become a leader? If it is ultimately a good thing, why can’t I teach people to pursue greater understanding and truths as well?

Becoming a leader doesn’t mean that I have to be like some of the bad ones whom I always have something against (and this is just my perception. Sometimes I just don't see enough to know that some people are really doing things that I do not get to see.) If I do, then that would defeat the purpose of joining the ministry in the first place, isn’t it? I can just be myself. Nobody said that I had to change the way I do things when I become a leader.

And then there are the commitments that I have to think about. School and training is really taking up a big bulk of my time already. And I don’t even know how much time the ministry will take from me. But really, time and commitments are the least important things to think about; because I believe that if I want to do something, I can always make time for it.

Only when I become a leader am I qualified to comment on other leaders, because only then can I say that I’ve “been there and done that”. Currently, it is very easy for other people to say, “aiya, you also not leader how you know what we leaders go through?” And there is truth in this. Often, I do feel that it is a tad unfair when I comment about the leaders without ever really understanding what they have to do.

And on the more biblical side, I do feel a little like Jonah when I think through this. Not because I fear being eaten by a giant fish when I go canoe training in MacRitchie, but because I am a little like Jonah when God calls him to Nineveh. Jonah refuses to go to Nineveh at first, and I can identify with how he must be feeling and what he must be thinking. “Aiya, is it even my fault that those people are screwing themselves up? Why must I be the one to go in there and make the change?”

God’s method really is man. If God has called Jonah to warn Nineveh of their impending doom, and was bothered enough to send a fish to get Jonah to do it; what about me? How can I turn my back and say no? How can I push it to somebody else?

It isn't just about me. Being in the ministry, or not, affects the people around me as well. Most directly, my own YCG. What will happen to them? Ton is a leader whom I respect, for his dedication and willingness to sacrifice. He is the one who has given so much of his time and money to get things done in the YCG. Its a pretty big pair of shoes to fill, actually.

How about teaching them? I haven't done it before. But really, that's no excuse. I've never been a person who say I can't do something just because I haven't done it before. Yet, I sometimes feel that I could easily teach the wrong thing. Because how I understand some things could really differ from another, or the given intepretation, even if I have a lesson plan on my hand.

And what if I don't take this up? I am surely going to disappoint pastor if I reject him in the face. And sometimes, I respect him too much to do that. Besides, I know that he too has a vision for the leaders to buck themselves up, to inspire others and to take more initiative. (well, I heard it straight from his mouth) He has a plan, and am I going to say no and make it hard for him? I don't think I am really prepared to do that.

How about my current assistant and soon-to-be leader Bernice? Am I going to leave to her by herself once Ton leaves, which I believe he will regardless of whether I take up the position or not. Isn't that being a little irresponsible? Just simply refusing to do the job because I didn't feel like it? Even if it's not just because I didn't feel like it, even if I have some reasons (which I currently think suffice more of being only excuses instead of reasons), it is still irresponsible. It's hard for her to do this alone, and I know it because I've been in this YCG for 5 years.

What of my friends? What of my Sunday lunch groupie? I know it seems so unimportant, but I've always regarded Sunday lunch as something important to me. It's like this little enclave after church, whereby anyone can join. It's for people who has friends in the YCG leader ministry, who has music practice to go to, who has rehearsals blah blah blah. It's so you won't have to wait alone, it's so you'll have company, so you can meet more friends and know more people. And I will miss them if I do join the ministry.

Ultimately, even if all my own reasonings don't matter because they don't seem convincing enough even to myself, I have to think about who am I going to do this for. I know I am going to do this for God, that's a given fact. But I can do a hundred and one other things for God. I think, if I ever do this, that I have to do it for the people that I care for. I can't do or not do it simply because I have such and such problems with myself, or because I have so and so reason. If I decide not to do it because I have issues with myself, or issues with other people, or because I don't feel like, it just seems so selfish. If the people around me feel that I am up to the job, why can't I just give myself a chance?

It's all about trying, isn't it? Why am I so afraid of failures? Aren't we all here to learn together?

Give it your best, try everything you can and then see what happens. It's always better to regret doing something than to regret not doing something.

At the wake.

2010-03-06T01:44:00.003+08:00

What can we do when we sit down around the table? A plate of sweets and packets of drinks are offered to us. Paper plate, little packets of sweets that you won't eat anywhere else other than on these occasions. I open one, and I put it in my mouth. My packet of drink does not come with a straw.

What can we talk about? My mind was a blank. It drifts away while the hard sweet dissolves in my mouth. Nobody knows what to say. Nobody knows what to ask. On one side, there's a conversation about university admission. On the other, they talk about something else which I can't remember. A few people shift their seats because cigarette smoke was too close for comfort.

How is he feeling? I cannot even begin to fathom the hurt, grief, regret, and all the thousand other emotions that must be pounding his heart. It is too much for me, I will never understand because I have not experience such a loss. Grandfather/grandmother, yes. But one's own father, no. All I could manage was, "It must be really difficult to lose a father..."

It doesn't matter how he died. It doesn't matter if he was a Christian or did he accept Christ before he died. All that mattered to me was that he is somebody's father, and that he has passed away.

I don't know him very well. I've only spoken to him probably once or twice, met him on Heart.Sports. He probably don't even know me. He might recognise my face, but he won't know my name. Yet, I can't stop thinking about how he must be controlling his emotions, how he is still forcing himself to accept the fact that his father is not with him anymore, how he must be denying it all and wishing it was all just a very very bad dream.

I can't help but think about how close our age is with each other. I'm 22, and he's only 21. Yet, he had to go through this. It's too much. It's really too much. If this happened to me, I... I don't even know how I will handle it.

I remember when my grandmother passed away. That was a long long time ago. My mother and my aunties all seemed very normal at the wake. I was too young to know it back then, but on hindsight, they must have all been in denial. They must be hoping that it was a bad dream, and that if they played along with the dream, things might change. I know this because when they realised that it was not a dream, at the cremation, when they realised that it was the last time they would see their mother, they cried their eyes out.

Please don't ask me to define Singaporean Literature.

2010-03-05T00:06:00.003+08:00

Local writer,
Singaporean,
What do you write about?
What can you write about?

Political constraint,
Lack of freedom,
Why define ourselves like this?
Why rob ourselves of freedom to write?

The HDB flats all look the same,
We lose our identity,
Have we really lost it?
Have we been moulded into one yet?

Please, no.

Take a closer look.
Look into the homes in the HDB flats.
They won't look the same.
They'd have identity.

Think outside the box.
Don't define yourselves.
Not yet, just not yet.
It's still too early to do that.

Fellow writers,
Singaporeans,
Don't write about Singapore,
Write in Singapore.

LOL

2010-03-02T16:45:00.003+08:00

I was going home on a bus today and there was this secondary school kid next to me typing out an SMS on his phone. Being the Kay-Poh that I am, I went ahead to spy on what he's typing. (I'm like that so don't sit next to me next time, but I don't do that to friends :D) And it went like "Lol lol...."

Immediately, I thought to myself, "Lol lol? Why do you even use 2 LOLs for? Does it even make any sense?" However, I stopped there and did a little reflection, surely I must have typed like that when I was in secondary school. I might not have used 2 LOLs, but surely I have used one.

I wonder when was it that I banned myself from using "LOL" and instead used "HAHA" to represent any form of joy or laughter in a text message. And I wonder why did I choose to ban myself from using "LOL". These memories seem to be fading.

In other news, I paid $9 today just to have a doctor advise me not to run or strain my knee for two weeks. No wonder my parents keep encouraging me to be a doctor when I was young. (although I never become one and probably never will)

And, the weather sucks.

OK, sorry if you were expecting something serious and found this instead.

When Greek mythology meets America

2010-02-21T23:52:00.007+08:00

*WARNING: Contains possible spoilers for "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief"*

When it is said that Greek mythology is a timeless classic that transcends boundaries of time and space, I don't think it is meant to be like in "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief". I watched it because Imaginarium has been taken off screen (so fast lo) and because... because it sounds like quite a good show.

It is entertaining. They involved quite a number Greek gods, or rather their children, instead of just focusing on the usual ones: Zeus and Poseidon. They touched on the lotus eaters home (which is an island in Homer's Odyssey but turned into a Las Vegas Casino here), introduced Medusa, Hydra and Hell Hounds and roped in a few of the other gods: Athena, Hermes, Hades, Aphrodite. I like how they did mention a little about Cronus and how Zeus and his bros killed him, because most people I talk to think that Zeus is like the 1st god or something.

It took me awhile before I got the lotus eating part, because I never thought it was going to be mentioned and also because "Poker Face" was playing in the background. But when I did get it, I went "OH!" and nearly jumped off my seat. But no one near me would know who the lotus eaters were anyway so I could only amuse myself with the parody. Here's a passage about the lotus eaters from Homer's The Odyssey:

"Nine days I drifted on the teeming sea
before dangerous high winds. Upon the tenth
we came to the coastline of the Lotos Eaters,
who live upon that flower. We landed there
to take on water. All ships' companies
mustered alongside for the mid-day meal.
Then I sent out two picked men and a runner
to learn what race of men that land sustained.
They fell in, soon enough, with Lotos Eaters,
who showed no will to do us harm, only
offering the sweet Lotos to our friends-
but those who ate this honeyed plant, the Lotos,
never cared to report, nor to return:
they longed to stay forever, browsing on
that native bloom, forgetful of their homeland."

- From The Odyssey Book IX, Lines 90 - 104, translated by Robert Fitzgerald

Just one thing I am not happy though. It is sooo American-ised. I understand that the gods might be able to go outside of Greece to look for pretty girls to hook up with, but all of them only went to the US of A? How come the half-blood camp is in America and it looks like an American boot camp or something?

Everything happens in the US of A, and everything is in the US of A. Seriously, WHAT THE HECK?! I've already talked about the half-blood camp, but Medusa's Lair also? How come its in America?! And what's with the lotus eaters opening a hotel in Las Vegas? And then, wah, the entrance into Hades also found in America ah? Hollywood somemore! And this is the best part. You know where's the entrance to Mt. Olympus? On the top of the Empire State Building, man! You go into an elevator and then "ding". Welcome to Mt. Olympus hotel.

Isn't it funny that Percy Jackson dates Annabeth Chase? That means Poseidon's son dating Athena's daughter. And Athena is Zeus' daughter (it's a little complicated, but she was born from Zeus' head after some cannibalistic activity). Zeus is Poseidon's brother. So technically, it's Percy Jackson dating his cousin's (Athena's) daughter. Will you date your cousin's daughter?

But anyway, it is a fun movie to watch. Think of a Harry Potter + Chronicles of Narnia mixture sprinkled with Greek mythology.

An Open Letter to A Foreign Friend

2010-02-18T18:33:00.000+08:00

Dear friend,

How are you? Are you accustomed to the life, food and pace of this city-state yet?

I saw you the other day at the road, in your hard hat and your yellow boots. You were there under the scorching afternoon sun, squatting down by the road side and applying cement to the road you were upgrading. I was looking down from the upper deck of the double-decker, air-conditioned SBS bus.

It must be hard work, isn’t it? To work every day under this condition, breathing in the dust and carbon dioxide from the vehicles, taking the risk of getting hit by a vehicle. Do they pay you well? Food? Accommodation?

I saw you at the HDB construction site as well, when I was in the MRT train passing by the site. You were wearing the same thing, hard hat and yellow boots. You were working under the same condition, the same risks and danger. This time, you were carrying some heavy equipment here and there.

How is your family back at home? Your grandfather, grandmother, father, mother, brothers, sisters? Did they buy the land and build a house with the money you sent them yet? How about the girl in the photograph that you keep in your wallet, that you take out every night to look at? Is she your girlfriend? She must be missing you alot. I’m sure you miss her too.

I must say that I am sorry for how my countrymen see you. I am sorry if they call you a Bangladeshi even though you are from New Delhi. The people here tend to stereotype because they really are not as exposed as they think they are. This city-state here is really cosmopolitan, but the people are not quite.

I’m sorry if they laugh at you when you hold your friend’s hand. My countrymen do not understand that these your friends are all you have in this foreign land. They simply do not understand that cultures different from theirs exist in this world. To them, a man holding a man’s hand is being homosexual. Sorry, they are that shallow, please understand.

I am sorry if they say that you have stolen all of their jobs and have left them unemployed. They are just being sour about getting retrenched because they are so choosy with their jobs. Don’t worry, you have not stolen their jobs. They wouldn’t go build roads, build houses, or wash the floor even if they were given the opportunity to. You are doing something that none of us would do, so don’t be too bothered by what they say.

I am sorry if my countrymen shun you, if they display their displeasure when you want to stay in their estate. They are like that, really. They want to tell themselves that they are so accepting, kind and magnanimous, but when it comes to their own neighbourhood, they get really fussy about it. You can stay anywhere you want, just not in their estate, or so they say.

I must thank you though. I must thank you for building such nice houses for me. For building such sturdy and beautiful roads. For keeping the estate clean every day. For clearing the rubbish from the chute every week. Your contribution to this city-state is way greater than what my countrymen think. They think that our houses and roads are built instantly and automatically. They think that the estate is clean simply because they did not litter on the floor. They are like that, sorry. They really do not recognize that these things are built and done by your hands.

You have done a wonderful job in this city-state, and I hope my countrymen will appreciate you, and that things will get better for you. For now, please take good care of yourself and keep up the good work in this place.

Regards,
A fellow human being who happened to be born in Singapore

the things we miss

2010-02-14T00:44:00.002+08:00

The reunion dinner this evening turns out to be a little more meaningful than usual, for me at least.

I always look forward to reunion dinners because they are ALWAYS so heartwarming, and not to mention stomach-warming as well.

This year's reunion is a tad special, because so many things happened in the past year, so many things that one would wish have not happened. This reunion dinner, compared to last year's is simply so different.

It's almost a reminder for me to pay attention to the smaller things in life.

This is the first time in a really long time that I am eating the reunion dinner in Clementi. Clementi is the hometown of my childhood and it really feels nostalgic to be having reunion dinner at the block where you used to stay. That was the time when the entire extended family stayed within walking distance from each other.

Over time we moved out, another family moved out, and only one lone auntie of mine stayed behind in Clementi, as if to keep the nostalgia intact when we should come back. And in the end, we did come back.

It's a small house, 3-room, the ventilation is rather poor and the fact that we were having steamboat didn't really help. Some of us young ones had to sit on the floor. But still, it's cozy. Cozy. I know its a cliche to juxtapose cozy with comfort. I know, but it really is.

There isn't anything to do but to eat and watch tv. Still, that always seem sufficient for CNYs. Partly it's because I hardly watch the tv with anybody because I have one in my room, and partly it's because its CNY and there's always nice shows on. Just sitting there, crapping with my cousin and sipping green tea and then white chrysanthemum tea, that's enough for me.

My auntie suffered a condition that caused her to lose her eyesight only about a year ago. And my uncle's dedication and support for her has always been an inspiration to me. Just this evening, I spotted him reading to her all the 4D winning numbers shown on the TV screen.

"First prize: 1234... 2nd prize: 4321.... Consolation prize: 2314, 2431..."

Not that it really mattered whether she wants to know the 4D numbers or not, it's just my uncle wanting to continue giving her a glimpse of the world around her even if she cannot see. He is her eyes. And he will tell her everything she would have seen. What's on the table, who's at the table, what's on tv etc etc.

(it's so moving that I am tearing even as I am typing this, so I shall stop)

And then when I went to the kitchen, I spotted this staff/stick thing that we use to put bamboo poles up in the ceiling when we want to dry them indoors. I'm not sure what they are called, but the ones we use now is made of either plastic or aluminium. The one I saw, is made completely of wood! And not just made of wood, the stick itself is a branch! Someone obviously just cut it off from some tree, used it to hang clothes and here it is! According to my parents, that particular stick has been around even before I was born. Can you imagine? The history of the stick and the different types of clothes it has seen and has helped to hang dry?

Nostalgia, memories, history. These things always have a special meaning for me. Old house, old things, old relationships, old people. Some times we simply detach ourselves from them and live our lives on the fast track. Achieving, getting what we want, becoming so different. And when we come back to these places to find that these things are still there, you begin to wonder.

What have these people, places and things gone through while I was gone?

What have I missed?

Questions

2010-02-12T14:31:00.002+08:00

the little girl walks in
to the chapel.

The Messiah Christ hangs on
the wooden cross.

she asks.
He answers.

in her innocence.
In His Glory.

"why are you hanging on the cross?"
Because I died for you

"why did you die for me?"
Because I saved you.

"why did you save me?"
Because I love you.

"why do you love me?"
Because I created you.

"why did you create me?"

silence

She leaves the chapel to her parents.
"I talked with Jesus!"

he appears from behind the curtains.
"now that's a hard one."

No Foul Play Suspected

2010-02-12T00:15:00.004+08:00

(On a woman who committed suicide by jumping from the fourteenth floor of an HDB block of flats; her family said she was unemployed, had been suffering from cancer for a year and had had a boyfriend who broke off with her when she told him about her illness.)

'No foul play suspected.'
Presence of ill-health, money problems, a broken love
affair
Is absence of foul play.
And so
Police file, newspaper report, family conscience
Can be closed and put away

In this case, there were all three, poor woman.
What about the suicide note?
That, say the police
Is even greater proof
That no foul play took place in this woman's death.

But there was plenty of foul play in my life
The woman must have thought
As she hurtled past
The pair of slippers later found by the railing

The one-room rented flat
The ex-lover
The incredible solitude
To meet the shocked upward gaze of a child on his
way to school,
And land near the shocked child's feet.
"Did you see anyone with the woman before she fell?"
asked the police.
"No, only the woman," said the dazed child truthfully.
"She was alone."
And that was yet more proof.

- Catherine Lim

I can't.

2010-02-11T22:19:00.005+08:00

A leader in the future?

I'm sorry, I'm afraid not.
I'm simply
not good enough
miss the mark
imperfect.

I question too much.
I expect too much.
I say too much.
(I write too much.)

I will stumble all the younglings.
I don't know too many things.

I
am not even sure of
my
own
faith.

And the worst part?
I admit to them.
I show it all.

Sorry.
I don't think I am
the person you are looking for.

I don't even have a halo on my head.

Volcanic Lightning

2010-02-11T00:39:00.004+08:00

There's also an aesthetic pleasure in watching lightning events: Any kind of volcanic lightning is just "supergorgeous," Uman said. "It's one of our best natural phenomena."

- from "New Lightning Type Found Over Volcano?"

Looks abit like... Mount Doom from "The Lord of The Rings" :X

Human Freewill VS God’s Will

2010-02-10T11:41:00.003+08:00

This is probably one of the biggest debates, both in the secular world and in the Christian world. Is there human freewill, or is everything under God’s will, commonly known as fate?

It is no wonder why this is such a big debate. Whether you are Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu, Christian, you want to know if what you have a choice in the things that you do, or is your god in control of every single thing in your life, including how much hair grows on your head. Even if you are an atheist, you are also likely to be curious if you have a say in life, or is everything under the bigger umbrella of “fate”.

At a glance, this argument seems simple enough. Humans either have freewill, or they don’t. But when one digs just a tiny bit deeper, things get a little complicated.

But before I go into that, let’s establish some things first. Human freewill and God’s will are two concepts that are highly irreconcilable. That is to say, if human have freewill in their lives, then God’s will is not going to have a say. If God’s will exist in our lives, then human freewill will be extinguished.

Why do I say that? Let me explain.

If there is human freewill, it would very well mean that human has control over the decisions he makes in his life. With that, it would therefore also mean that God has no control over the life of man, because control over one’s life cannot be shared. This is because human’s decisions in life will very unlikely coincide with that of God’s, and if control is shared, God will simply intervene and there will be no freewill on human’s side. Say we take up this camp of the argument, then that would mean everything in this world will be up to chance, and a complex interaction of human decisions.

So maybe we feel that this is not the case. That God’s will is the order of the day. Then there can probably be no human freewill. This is very simply because everything we do will be decided by the almighty, and we have no power to decide what we want to do. Power cannot be shared as well, as any intervention from God’s side will simply rob humans of their will. Why else would God intervene? Is it not to make sure that humans do things according to the way that he willed it to be?

Now that we have established these, let’s take a closer look at the issue. More than freewill is at stake here. If we slant to the side of human freewill, we are very much undermining the power of God in this world, or even destroy the very notion of God itself, and ultimately of religion. So really, it’s not as simple as going to one side or the other.

In this piece, I must first declare that I am not trying to solve this issue by finding out what is right and what is wrong. I simply know too little, and this limited knowledge does not allow me to answer any questions, or make any decisions for an issue as big as this. I only seek to explore the possibilities here.

Let us look at the reality. And I’ll take the Christian’s viewpoint here, simply because I am Christian and would therefore be not adequate to take any other viewpoint due to the lack of knowledge.

The Christian believes that Man has freewill, and that God has a foreknowledge of that freewill. Meaning, Man has the will to sin, and God knows beforehand that Man will be sinning. Simply put, Man can decide whether he wants to sin or not (therefore having freewill), but God already knows that he will sin (foreknowledge). So, here, if you have not realised it already, is a big contradiction. As explained earlier, these two ideas cannot exist.

If God has a foreknowledge that Man will sin, it cannot equate to freewill simply because Man no longer has any choices to make but to sin. This means that God already knows that you will sin, and you will then be saved or not, and then go to heaven or hell (this is the Christian stand). Simply put, God knows where you will end up in the end, heaven or hell, and whatever you do, to be saved or not to be is already pre-determined because God has already decided so, or rather, foreseen. Your choice is already foretold, it’s already decided. If that is so, then what choice do you actually have? What’s the point of making the choice even?

If Man has freewill, he can then choose to not sin, but that would undermine the God’s omniscience. If Man does not sin, that would mean that God was wrong. And if God was wrong, He is not perfect. And if He is not perfect, He cannot be the God that we perceive Him to be. God will be torn down.

Now now now, that is a little blasphemous isn’t it? I have basically torn down an argument that so many Christians hold in order to uphold the fact that we have freewill and that God is omniscient. But let’s try to salvage it a little.

The earlier argument stands on the point that God foresees our actions because He already knows the end and result. But let’s twist that a little. Let’s say God does not have perfect knowledge of what’s going to happen in the future, but just simply a perfect knowledge of us as human beings. The fact that He created all of us (assuming that this is true) would very much qualify this statement. So He has to have a perfect knowledge of EVERYONE in this world, because He created everyone.

Now let’s assume that God has a mind that far overpowers any super computer in this world. And using the knowledge that He has of everybody (note, it’s not the future that he has knowledge of, but of people), He uses a calculation to map out all the possibilities that everyone will encounter, how these possibilities will affect the person’s choices in life, and how these choices will affect the future of this person. If that is the case, it is highly possible that God is capable of calculating the future of a person. Calculating the future (also termed “suan ming” in Chinese) is not the same as knowing the future. This would thus give Man a certain degree of freewill.

But the Christian will not accept this argument, even if it means satisfying their concept of freewill and God’s foreknowledge. And the only reason for this is because they will want to believe that their God is omniscient. If God is omniscient, He will have to have perfect knowledge of the future. However, at the same time, the Christian also wants to believe that he has freewill, he wants to tell the people around him that it is their choice whether or not they want to be saved (although in his heart, he probably knows that God has already foreseen it). The Christian will want to tell you that it is in his freedom whether or not he wants to carry out God’s will.

That would of course sound like a very convincing argument. God has a will for us, and it is up to us whether or not we want to carry it out. It seems to satisfy the contradiction, but it really does not. Because if God is omniscient, He already knows whether or not we will carry it out, and if He knows, what freewill do we have? Everything is already determined in this case, and I am only repeating arguments presented earlier. If we exercise our freewill and do something that God has not foreseen, that would undermine His power of foreseeing, and He is no longer omniscient.

Ultimately, the concept of human freewill and God’s will and omniscience can never be reconciled. It is a contradiction. As much as Christianity tries to present it as a whole and satisfy the best of both worlds, the contradictions still remain and arguments to present it as a satisfied whole remain flawed.

That is how Christianity works. Until today, it remains a religion that is flawed and filled with contradictions and loopholes. However, that doesn’t mean we should abandon it all together. It is just like any other religion. There are always points for contention, but that is only to be expected. Religion is man-made, and man-made things are never perfect.

Rather than using flawed arguments to cover up something that is imperfect, perhaps it is better that we accept these imperfections as they are and keep exploring. The moment we stop exploring religion is the moment we stop learning about it. Nobody is right or wrong because nobody knows the answers anyway. Aren’t we all in the same journey of discovery?

Monster

2010-02-08T02:34:00.005+08:00

The flu bug is on the loose now.

Friends are all suffering from the ravage.

I should start eating healthy, sleep early, and drink more water.

I think I failed to achieve the "sleep early" part already, with this post at 2.38am.

And to all my friends who are under influence of this tiny but devastating monster, please get well soon. I'll be praying for all of you. :D Remember to eat healthy, sleep early and drink more water!

Here's a friendly hygiene message to remind everyone to please cover your mouth when you sneeze. A little act of hygenic kindness goes a long way: for your image and for the sake of everyone around you.

in the afternoon

2010-02-04T13:20:00.003+08:00

the sun beats down
on our already
Sunny island.

the tarmac road
responds with
a little heat-wave mirage.

"Aiyoooo!
So
HOT!"

the auntie in her
elaborate jewellery
exclaims.

she proceeds to
open an
Umbrella.

News Reporting

2010-02-01T23:32:00.002+08:00

Very educational, yes yes.

Free-will?

2010-01-31T00:01:00.002+08:00

In that now much-neglected classic Penguin Island, Anatole France tells the story of an old half-blind Celtic saint, St. Mael, who goes off one day in his miraculous stone boat, is swept north by a current and lands on an ice floe. He is immediately surrounded by a flock of small, inquisitive, chattering creatures and being too short-sighted to see that they are penguins, he baptized them. This raises grave theological difficulties for the celestial authorities, and in the council in heaven meets to discuss the problem, doctors of the church and saints debate the fate of the baptized penguins. It is finally decided to turn them into human beings, and they are thus subject to the fate of man - the fall from grace, the expulsion from the garden, sin, work, disease, and death, judgment and redemption. (As the Almighty remarks, they would have been much better off if they had gone on being penguins.) He closes the debate with a reminder to himself that though they will certainly fall from grace, they are nonetheless free not to do so. "However, my foreknowledge musy not be allowed to interfere with their free will. So as not to limit human freedom, I hereby assume ignorance of what I know, I wind tightly over my eyes the veils which I have seen through, and in my blind clairvoyance, I allow myself to be surprised by what I have foreseen."

- from the introduction by Robert Fagles to "Oedipus The King", on human free-will and fate/God's foreknowledge of human actions

Rain Song

2010-01-27T16:21:00.006+08:00

When the rain starts pouring down on you
on a supposedly sunny day.

Don't run.

Let
the raindrops hit
your hair,
your skin.
Receive this gift from Ouranos.

Close your eyes.

Breathe
in the smell of
the grass,
the soil.
Reconnect with Gaia once more.

The sunny days aren't really so fantastic.

The Sky is is not the limit when you are at Limpopo River.

2010-01-24T01:34:00.000+08:00

Alex Khong commented that I had very sharp eyesight because I spotted a whole bunch of balloons floating into the sky tonight. But no, I do not have a very sharp eye, I simply have the habit of looking to the sky.

The musical tonight was good. Yep, good! Tried to trick Andrea by saying we forgot the flowers, but Zhi Wei just had to be behind me holding the bouquet of flowers. Oh well. Here's how I feel (un-professional comments) about the musical anyway, if you are interested to know.

Things that I enjoyed:

- The plot line. Although predictable, the plot was heartwarming and pretty sweet with the focus on friendship (I know it is overused for school productions) and the twist with creation and genesis. And the story within a play thing, love it.

- The set. Simply love the set. How they used different things to create the set, the books (BOOKS!) to represent birds (tempted to over-read this), umbrellas for trees, lamps for stars. And then the rainbow!

- The singing. It being a musical, the singing of course has been very impressive. I'm a not a music person so I won't know what keys they hit or what not, but it was nice. And that's enough for me. :D Bird girl and Magician are awesome singers! Elephant child not too bad as well! Can hear Andrea when she sang too!

- The lighting and music. Good play on the lighting and colours. I could really feel the emotions intended for the scenes! Good stuff.

- The humour. Word play and witty jokes, and a few "not so healthy" ones. Had a pretty good laugh throughout most of the musical. Rhino guy was awesome.

- Props use. Yes, very creative use of props. Crocodile ladder, umbrellas in the finale, stuff and stuff. But what were those things that dropped out of the cooking stove anyway?

- Dance. Dances were pretty spectacular. Maybe not very action-packed, but still very nice!

But of course, there is always some room for improvement so we can look forward to another production, isn't it? :

- Magician guy could use a little more "oomph" when he is narrating the story at the beginning. The narrating tone and "lightning boom" music abit didn't match leh...

- Leopard and Jaguar characters seemed a little... flat. Not villain-ish enough probably. Were they lecherous too?

- There were some parts when I found it really difficult trying to catch what was being said/sang. Okay, maybe its just me. But I really didn't catch much of what the kangaroo guy was singing.

- The singlish/rislow-ish english part seemed a little jarring. It's like it was placed there just for the sake of it. It could use a little more development (but what development? I also don't know la) or it probably should have been left out. Was the use of chinese intended anyway? Only 1 sentence!

Overall, the musical is good! I enjoyed it very much personally, and I'm sure most people did as well. Well worth the $21, but I'm not that calculative la!

Oh, I love the tune but I forgot how it was like.

Limpopo river...

Ithaca

2010-01-19T00:38:00.002+08:00

When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon -- do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.

Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber, and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.

Always keep Ithaca on your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.

Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what these Ithacas mean.

- Constantine P. Cavafy

the treasure of the adventure is usually the adventure itself. :D

Clearing. Memories.

2010-01-16T23:20:00.006+08:00

In order to create space for my poor books who were lying on the floor and on the printer, I used this evening to clear out the relics lying in my shelves.

It was a walk down memory lane.

Relics and artifacts from the past decade of my life all cramped into those shelves in my mega-wardrobe. There were so many things.

Game cards. Pokemon, Yu-gi-oh, Kenshin. How much money have I spent on these things and I don't even remember playing them much! (except maybe Yu-gi-oh)

Discman, walkman. Relics in an era where MP3s and iPods now rule the world. Does anybody even remember them? They were such important things!

Letters. Love letters. Haha, those were such happening days.

Information booklets, pamphlets, leaflets. From NTU, NUS, SMU, SIM, NP, SP, NYP, SAF, RSAF, NAVY, Scholarships, Careers etc etc. I had so many options back then! So many paths to go!

Certificates. Swimming, army, secondary school, results etc etc. Some things I have already forgotten about. But oh well.

Soft toys, remote control car and some other toys. Only a few that I decided to keep from a further past.

Photos. Class photos, army photos, photo albums.

Notebooks. From JC, from army. I have spent so much effort writing them in! So meticulously making sure I don't miss a single thing.

Shoeboxes. There's just something about shoeboxes and me. I love to keep shoeboxes, and I don't even know why.

Games. Some games that I have no idea how they ended up in the shelves. I found my copy of the PC version of FFVII too. :D

Most of them had to go. Some are given to my mum so she can find a kid whom she can bless with those soft toys and a remote control car. Some get to stay, especially those photos. I don't throw photos away, they are too sacred.

I feel like the government.

"We need to make space for new development! We will demolish this this this! Oh why do you want to keep these old buildings and places? They are taking up space! They do nothing but give you a sense of nostalgia!"

But, but, but... we are all addicted to the feeling of nostalgia...

"Ah fine, we'll keep a few of them in Chinatown! They might boost tourism anyway."

Thanks.

"Destroy destroy destroy. Build build build. Economics rules the world!"

While doing my clearing up, my dad brought some guests into the house, only to find it in a mess with everything on the floor.

"Wah, doing spring cleaning ah? Good good, chinese new year coming already."

Oh yes, its that time of the year already.

The books look so beautiful on the shelves now.

Receiving mail.

2010-01-16T00:38:00.003+08:00

I love to receive letters. Because I always feel that there's some sort of a surprise waiting for me inside those white envelopes. Most of them are just bank statements and bills, but sometimes they can really be quite a surprise.

I saw a white envelope on my bed when I got home this evening. A plain white envelope with only my name and address, the kind that has the greatest potential of containing a surprise. (those with POSB or M1 on them have no surprises at all. the ones with "On Government Service" might have some surprises)

I picked up and opened it. And then I saw...

NGEE ANN POLYTECHNIC ---> "huh? okay, maybe they still want to invite me for their open house or what. some people never give up one."

*my name and address*

Dear Sir/Mdm,
Common Test Results and Attendance Record of ......, ANG PEI YI (my sister's name)
....
....
.... A copy of your child/ward's common test is attached for your attention....
....
....
....
Hope you will have a satisfying discussion with your child/ward on this matter. We believe your partnership and continual involvement will motivate your son/daughter to put in the extra effort needed for him/her to do well.
....
....
*end of letter*

Now, talk about a surprise. How on earth did this letter end up having my name on instead of my parents' totally evaded me. I read for a while, amused, surprised, confused, before bringing to my parents.

Dad: "What's in the letter?"

Me: "Just mei's results and attendance lo. And some information on examinations." *proceeds to read off the letter*

Dad: "How come will have your name one? (tells my mum) Call Pei Yi and ask her what happen."

Mum: "(on phone with sis) Your father change name already ah? Become kor's. You better go and update okay."

Apparently everyone thinks its too much for a mistake like that. I find it rather amusing though.

I am impressed with my sister's results. A+. Still need what discussion.

I love the whole world.

2010-01-14T13:18:00.000+08:00

How about you?

Academics

2010-01-11T11:47:00.007+08:00

You know, the one who scores As all the time, who manages to just memorise everything there is in the textbook including indexes and glossaries, knows what "A+B x (AB+CD-DE) / ACD+ABE(CDB) = ABCD" is supposed to mean, who cries just because he gets more than 5 points in the 'O' Levels exams or because he gets 1 B in his otherwise all As 'A' level exams or because he gets GPA 4.9 instead of 5.

An academic is logical, is smart, can memorise stuff, knows how to solve the longest equations in the world, knows all the formulas there are to understanding speed, chemical reactions and how to make a new planet from dust.

I am not an academic. I get crappy grades, I can't solve any form of equations and I do not know a single formula. But I think. I love to think. I love to think about why I do the things I do. I love to think about possibilities, about things that just simply cannot be placed under the umbrella of logic but still exists. Because logic isn't all there is to this world. Logic will simply burn itself out.

You put an academic scholar to do road planning, which of course they will do because they all get government scholarships and is therefore the best people to decide for us mortals.

From point A to B, build a road.

"He will tell you to build a straight road."

"But why build a straight road? Why can't we build a road that goes around a park or a forest or some scenery?"

"Because the straight road is the fastest way from point A to B."

"But why must it be the fastest way?"

"To save time of course, dumbass."

"But who said we needed to save time?"

"Because that's the only logical thing to do!"

"Why are we building a road anyway?"

"Because we are told to do so! What an idiot!"

Yes, I am idiot because I question too much. That's why I can't do Maths. Because I simply cannot figure out how it works. Because I simply cannot take it that people dish out a formula to me and I just have to accept it that things work this way.

"A + B = C"

"But why? Who said A + B must = C?"

"There is no why. A + B = C because A + B = C."

It may be ironic how I am writing this in a university. But I did not come to the university to be educated. I come to the university to experience education.

Its easy to think outside the box. But things don't just come in one box. They come in multiple boxes. You get out of one and you will find that you are in another.

We have to keep questioning. Why are things the way they are? Could it have been any different? Is there anything we can do about it?

But of course, I am against mindless opposition. You cannot just doubt. You cannot just be cynical for the sake of being cynical. You have to know why you are questioning, have a cause, a purpose. I might contradict myself, but you have to have a reason. And then you do something about it.

Don't get me wrong though. I am just doing a generalization of academics to put my point across. I know I am generalizing if I just say academics are all just mindless robots who download information into their brains and then upload them into paper. There are of course those who engage in critical thinking as well.

What I want to say is simply the fact that we need to be careful so that we do not lose the edge in our minds. We have to keep sharpening it, using it, putting it to its limits, and not end up substituting the metal sword of thought with the wooden sword of spoon-fed knowledge.

And school begins again.

2010-01-11T00:33:00.002+08:00

Zimmer’s inspiration for the score was The Threepenny Opera, Kurt Weill’s macabre tale of Victorian London’s criminal underbelly (although he cheerfully admits there is a dash of Steptoe and Son thrown into the mix). Like Weill’s new invented folk tunes, Zimmer’s music has a hidden sophistication. The pianos may be out of tune but they are all played impeccably. “It’s a typical example of Zimmer madness, where I hear a sound in my head and how are we gonna get it? I was looking for a pub piano sound, something that had that lived-in quality, but there are no pubs in Los Angeles. At first I got someone to detune my piano but it just sounded out of tune so I asked my assistant to go onto Craigslist and find me a broken piano. Actually the broken piano became a bigger thing because then I thought, rather than use big drums what would a piano sound like if you dropped it down a flight of stairs?”

And did you do it?

“Yeah. We rented 20th Century Fox’s underground car park one Sunday and did hideous things to a piano. Actually, that was the second broken piano we bought. The first one I had every intention of destroying but when it arrived you could tell that someone had loved and cared for it all their life — it was so sweet. My reaction was, ‘We can’t break this. Find me an abused piano.’”

- From "Hans Zimmer: 'The sound of Sherlock Holmes? It’s a broken piano'"

And yes, school starts tomorrow and I do not know what to expect.

The Big Move

2010-01-06T22:48:00.003+08:00

We moved our boats, peddles and life vests from Macritchie Reservoir to Kallang River today in preparation for the race coming in 2 weeks time. We loaded them all into 2 lorries, got onto the back of the lorry and let it carry us to the river. Its so... nice.

I've come to like my canoeing team. I like how everybody looks out for each other, help each other, advise each other, encourage each other. I like how nobody looks down on anybody just because he's a little slow or little lousy with his technique. Everyone sees each other as equals, as simply a part of the team.

We don't just canoe. Its a canoeing team but its more "team" than "canoeing". We go eat dim sum, we go play LAN games, we tease those who scored GPA of 4.8.

Upon reaching the river, we unloaded for a short paddling session. When coming back to shore, we deliberately made the #1 loudest team mate capsize to have a good laugh before washing our boats together. Boat washing is... heart-warming? I don't know the right word to use here. It gives me this sense of belonging.

Everyone bringing the boats out one by one to be scrubbed, soaped, washed. A whole bunch of people working on one boat at a time. Spraying water at each other, asking for water to be sprayed on because its oh so so so hot under the afternoon sun! I think I got sunburnt. But its so fun. Its not the washing, its the washing together.

I don't know how I will fare in the race happening in 2 weeks time. We have trained really hard for the past month but I really don't think I am good enough yet. Sometimes I just feel like giving up especially during the endurance trainings, whereby we paddle continuously for 14km! But I will just tell myself, "just finish this, just finish this" and I will finish it eventually, even if not within good timing.

I do know one thing though. In this team, no one is going to blame anybody for not winning anything. We all know our limitations. We are not monsters. We know we are students. We know we have to take a break before examinations for revision. We know we are here to experience, to work hard together, and if we win anything, its a bonus.

What a gem

2010-01-05T23:53:00.002+08:00

I just saw this on mrbrown.com and I love it so much that I just have to post it here. I really really really love the sarcasm. :D

A certain Eric How, allegedly a Young PAP (YPAP) member, got into a flame war with some 3in1kopitiam forumers on Facebook and posted this little gem:

"Do not be bitter and go on slapping on the Government senselessly because you did not get any fruits or benefits from your forefather. You will have to blame on your karma or your forefathers for not getting all the paths right for their off springs. My folks did the right thing by getting all the stuffs ready for us and we will never ever need to nag about the Government giving jobs to foreigners instead of locals. In fact, we create jobs for others. Our folks even make sure that we guys do not need to squeeze into public transport by getting each of us a personal car.
The job market is an open competition whereby the best person gets the job and not because of nationalities. Buck up and do something right for you’re off springs so that they will be thankful to you and not turn up to be like you guys nagging senselessly."

I think Mr Eric How is right. Don't blame the gahmen for your lack of fruits and benefits! Blame your own suay karma! Blame your forefather! Who asked your loser forefathers to be useless coolies slogging away at some blue collar job? It is their fault for not setting you up with jobs and careers!

Look at Mr Eric How! His parents did the right thing by "getting all the stuffs ready" for him. No need to rely on the gahmen for jobs! Mommy and Daddy set him up good!

In fact, his Mommy and Daddy "create jobs for others", ok? We should THANK the likes of Eric How and his family for our jobs and for not being a burden to the state.

And if you feel that public transport has been less crowded lately, you can thank this Eric How and his family too! His Mommy and Daddy got him and his siblings a personal car each, so that they don't need to squeeze into the MRT and buses and add to the congestion!

How can we ever thank this Eric How and his loaded elite family for their benevolence and love for the common man? They are so considerate!

If only YPAP had more members like Eric How who truly care for the masses and contribute so much to the good of the nation!

The special people at the coffeeshop

2010-01-04T23:01:00.004+08:00

I went to the coffeeshop my mum works at this evening to have my dinner.

An auntie walks by, sees me and asks my mum in hokkien:

"Li eh kia, ah?" (your son?)

"Ya lo"

"Wah, ah ni orh, ah?" (wah, so black, ah?)

"Heh"

At this point which she turns to me and ask, in mandarin:

"Ni kang kang cong fei zhou hui lai, ah?" (you just came back from Africa is it?)

I could only afford a smile and she walks away.

People at the coffeeshop have the special ability of leaving me dumbfounded.

Christianity Without Traditions

2010-01-04T19:22:00.005+08:00

Religion is filled with changes. It evolves from one era to another, gets some tinkering done in between generations and ultimately what we believe today is really a largely modified version of what it was meant to be.

The believers, however, are often blind to this fact. They love to believe that what they are believing now, how they believe now, and everything in their belief is the tradition, the source, the one truth. They say, "but we must keep to the traditional ways! We cannot keep having so much changes to the church! Your idea is too radical!" Little do they know that this "tradition" they claim is actually radicalism a generation before.

I do not know about how the other religions evolve other than the fact that monks walk on tight ropes and gets called to court these days, but I will attempt to explore the evolution path of Christianity as we know it.

Lets begin from the beginning. When organized religion/worship was first recorded in the bible. I like to believe that this started with Cain and Abel but I really have no idea how they worshipped. It appeared to me that pre-Egypt era's worship was a very primitive, unorganized, and is a pure relationship form between Man and God. In simple words, man goes straight to God. There's no walala in between. Purely relationship. That's the beginning. (and I believe very much this is what we try to achieve today, just that we got clogged up by the walalas)

Then comes the post-Egypt era, the "We are God's people and these rules will guide us" era. Israelites receive a whole bunch of dos-and-don'ts from God via Moses. Other than the ten commandments, there's a whole lot of rules listed in Leviticus. Sabbaths, fasting, tithing, sacrifice... the list goes on. This is also when it became extremely exclusive. The whole "God chosen people" thing really got to the Israelites and they go to wars with other countries to carve out their promised land. Although some of the stories in this era still remain relevant today, the entire concept is actually quite screwed up. Such a view of themselves really show how narrow-minded the Israelites were, but of course that's not for me to comment because God chose them anyway.

Whatever happens in between this era till Jesus's time is really quite gray to me. Israel gets defeated in war and exiled from their land, moving from one place to another, and then returned to their land, and then the prophets wrote alot of stuff. This era is filled with woes and dryness. You get alot of lamentations, and you get Lamentations itself. I do not know what to say about this era, I think religion itself is having a hard time in the face of their pagan lords, and thus the bleakness.

Then came Jesus time. Jesus gave religion a whole new meaning with the changes he brought about. Some of the laws were given new meaning (you murdered when you anger, you commit adultery when you lust) and the religion is no longer exclusive. Major parts of the old religion were abolished or given another meaning (such as sacrifice and fasting - see Matthew 9:14 for a saga on fasting) This of course was resisted by the pharisees. The pharisees often question Jesus and accuse him of blasphemy.

We often see the pharisees as the bad guys, as too traditional, think too much about themselves, showy. But that's really because we are on Jesus's side. When you really think about it, this has been the way they go about religion for the past hundreds or even thousands of years! Can we blame them for their reactions? For so long they've been doing things the traditional way and now this guy comes along and tries to overturn everything. So what if Jesus is the son of God? That, to their eyes, is a blasphemy in itself (gosh I am so close to committing blasphemy myself!)

The pharisees, if we take away the cloak of evilness that the bible put on them, are simply resisting change to a tradition that they have held dear almost all their lives. The key lesson that we can take away from them is perhaps the need for us to embrace changes in the traditions that we hold. We have to be open minded, ready to become radical in our thinking, cross the line, jump over the boundaries. Religion is not set in stone, and we won't be the first ones crossing boundaries here.

Protestanism, as we know it today, was a radical branch from Catholicism formed during the "Protestant Reformation" in 1517 when Martin Luther nailed the Ninety-Five Theses on the Power and Efficacy of Indulgences to the door of the All-Saints Church in Germany. In England itself, the reformation was embraced by King Henry VIII as the Catholic church did not allow him to divorce his first wife to marry his second. There was a whole bunch of other events untill Queen Elizabeth I established Protestanism as the main religion over England, thus us seeing it as the traditional despite of it being radical at the start. A whole bunch of politics become intertwined with religion as well.

Denominations form as the Protestants get fragmented and divided with their beliefs. Anglicans, Baptist, Pentecostals et cetera were all formed during this fragmentation. What we think has been around since a long long time ago was acutally formed only 500 years ago. That what we believe is traditional was a radical reformation from the the Catholic church

Up till today, Christianity keeps going through changes. Worship styles change, the way messages are preached also change, the way churches are built et cetera. If we become blinded by "traditions", we will never be able to go anywhere. We have to embrace changes, put more thought into the unorthodox. We have to push ourselves to think out of the box, or we will only end up like the pharisees ourselves, holding on to our "traditions" so tightly that we become incapable to embracing the future and miss out on so so much.

We have to understand that religion is ever evolving. What is tradition or fundamental now was radical in the past. What was tradition in the past, was radical in an even distant past. If we ever do a backtrack in order to find the one true source/tradition of religion, we will only find God standing in the picture.

God is the only constant, the source, the traditon. Religion as we know it only serves as the walala. But we will never be able to go back to how it used to be millenias ago. The only way now, perhaps, is forward. And the only way forward is to embrace what comes our way. Sitting in the baby pool of "traditions" really will not get us anyway.

Team 7!

2010-01-02T22:58:00.002+08:00

Friendships - They never fail to put a smile on you.

The Countdown

2010-01-01T13:59:00.003+08:00

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

Cheer is contagious. As everyone shouts, "HAPPY NEW YEAR!! WOOOO!" One group lights a sparkler there and another one somewhere else and soon the entire park is filled with sparklers and smoke.

I found myself walking out of the pavillion we were camped in onto the grass and towards the beach, breathing in the air of the new year and filling my lungs with sparklers smoke that might have reduced my lifespan by at least a year.

Ships that were out at sea fired their flares into the sky and this cheered me up. Horns were blasted from some other ships to join in the celebration as well.

A couple was on a picnic mat at the field I was walking on and the man was kneeling in front of the sitting lady. "I promise I will love you even deeper and take care of you in the new year..."

A police car goes by with its red and blue blinkers as if it wanted to blend into the celebrations as well.

The full moon was up in the sky. It was the blue moon. Its not exactly blue, but its the blue moon because its the second full moon of the month, and this phenomenon happens only once in a blue moon, well, literally.

I return to the candle-lit pavillion to find people waxing the floor with their little outbursts of creativity. "Ah, vandalism, but who cares, its the new year, you can do anything because everybody is so happy."

Its funny, how we are always so caught up with countdowns. Its almost as if we expect something big to happen at the end of the "3, 2 ,1". Like maybe an asteroid will fall through the sky, or the earth will break open, or Jesus Christ will appear out of nowhere, or just something incredible. Of course, nothing big ever happened so its made up by firing some fireworks or lighting some sparklers.

Its almost as if we expect some change to happen in our body or mind, maybe we will be enlightened, maybe we will lose some pounds, gain some mass somewhere where we want it. I check myself- nope.

It never happens. Nothing ever happens. At the end of the "3, 2, 1" all that happened is just time passed. We sing songs, we dance, we congratulate each other, we shake each other's hands, and then we sit down and smile at each other. 21 years I have been on this planet and such traditions still remain.

We stay up for as long as our bodies can take it, we play games under the moonlit sky, we chat, we eat snacks, we drink tea, we try to make this moment last for as long as we physically can without the risk of falling asleep while driving home. We try not to sleep until we really need to. All of us know, deep in our hearts, that if we fall asleep and when we wake up, its just going to be another day in another year.

But we have to go. We have to go sleep and face the next day. As we pack up our stuff, it was already near 4am. A little club nearby was still blasting music and people are still dancing, refusing the fact that its time to go back to living our lives. "I've got a feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night... that tonight..."

The cheer was wearing off all of us. The drive home was quiet. We were all too tired to make any interesting conversations and were more interested in looking out for the traffic and getting home safely instead. We had to blast the music from the radio just to keep ourselves awake for the long drive from the east end to the west.

I put myself to sleep when I reached home, not sure if the next day will ever come with everyone wishing that it won't.

When I woke up to the daylight shining into my room, I stumbled into my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.

"Here we go again... ah, happy 2010"

And its that time of the year, again

2009-12-31T10:59:00.005+08:00

Every year has to come to an end regardless of how wonderful or how bad it was.

A quick revisit to my time capsules revealed that I have not made any new year resolutions for this year, so there isn't any need for me to weigh myself against a set list of resolution just to know if the year has been a good year or not. Fulfilling resolutions does not mean its a good year. A good year really means that its been good. Er...

Its been a good year for me. A really really good year. It has also been a year of changes for me. Changes are always exciting, they bring novelty into our lives and we are always excited by novelty. For me, my life took quite a number of turns in the year, with me leaving the military service, entering the university and multiple changes to my perspectives.

My stint in the military for the 1st half of the year was really good. Not only did I draw a sweet salary (of which I am still enjoying the fruits), I also gained an experience that could not be found anywhere else. Many great friendships were also formed during this period of time. I ORDed on a really nice note, with me feeling that I have gained everything I can from the service before embarking on the next phase of my life.

2nd half of the year started with what I call, "The Break". Its practically a 3 month break to refresh my mind before I go back to school again. I went to the church camp (which was absolutely refreshing) and also plugged myself in to help my region with the Chinese event. More importantly, I used this period of time to retune myself for university and to prepare to study again.

My 21st birthday also fell nicely in "The Break", allowing me time to plan and come up with a birthday party. The money left from the service was what allowed me to pull off what I feel is a costly event, which I felt was really important as that really meant that I need not burden my parents for something like that.

Then in comes university life. It started off pretty well. The period of retuning worked out just fine and I found myself fitting in just nice. Everything went at a pretty nice pace and I had the luxury to still feel my way around the areas that I was not familiar with. However, when the assignments started to pour in and the exams drew near, I began to feel the heat. I began to realise that 2 years without any academic activity really threw my brain into a freeze. I was having a cold start. Skills revolving essay writing completely escaped me and I found it really difficult to start writing anything academic at all.

My friends, whom I am absolutely grateful for, came in at just the right time to lend me a hand. Shu Ting, my counter-part from NUS in English Literature, re-taught me a few skillsets that I found was really essential for both writing and studying. Ying Hui provided me an idea for my politics term paper when I couldn't decide on what to write on. Lian Ah Lian was really kind and generous to invite me for study sessions at SMU when the exams drew near, sessions that I found was really good and focused. And of course, all my friends in NTU, Izzat, Hazwan, Michelle, Nadiah, Izzy, Adel, Hansen, they never fail to put the peer pressure on me to study, and sometimes to not study.

When the exams came, I was really apprehensive. The truth is, I totally didn't know what to expect. I haven't taken a single examination (other than military ones) in nearly 3 years and I have forgotten how it felt like. Besides, taking an examination in university is probably another matter entirely. But still, with God's strength and peer pressure to study really hard, I managed to pull it off.

The year ended on a sweet note. I got back my results just a day before the year closes. A GPA of 4.25 to kickstart the next semester really puts some of the motivation and drive back into me again. Although not a very fantastic result per se, its still encouraging that I managed to stretch past the 4.0 mark despite of the difficulties I faced. 4.0 was one of the targets I set for myself when the term started and I am really happy to have been able to achieve it! Now I have to see if I qualify for double major.

As I look back on the year, I must say God really placed these different things in my life perfectly. The timing of my military contract was impeccable, providing me a break before university that was just enough to refresh my mind. University was a plan that I never thought about. This one goes back to a really long time. 5 years ago.

It was 2004 and I just finished my 'O' Levels. I really didn't intend on going to JC, so I put Mass Comm at Ngee Ann as my first choice of institues to go to. A combination of the course's popularity and God's amazing humour, I found myself going to PJC instead. I stuck through JC and I began to see how this was God's chosen path for me all along. Well, cut the story short, here I am. I don't think I would have been in university had I went to polytechnic instead, but I will never know.

As I prepare myself to usher in 2010 (2010 seems so cool, you just have to say twenty-ten), I wonder if it is still needed to come up with a list resolutions. Resolutions are good, but you don't need them to have a good year. I'll just take what comes my way in my stride and make it a good year for myself. If there is any resolution that I want to make for next year, I want it to be a happy and a good year.

:D

Sudder Street, Calcutta

2009-12-28T23:46:00.005+08:00

The blackout arrives punctually, bringing to life
the meagre light of so many brief candles.
This is the shrine of suffering's patron saint,
where man's body falls asunder, beseiged walls
crumbling, helpless, as death tunnels underground
with tonnes of dynamite, to blow the body heavenward.

On Sudder Street the same procession of beggars
in inexhaustible variations of deformity and need,
peddlers offering passages to temporary nirvana,
the brown sugar girl and her magic mushrooms.
A human rickshaw canters by, yoked
to the ledger of debts from previous lives.
He is dragging alone, his feet pain-proof,
the sum of things unexplained.
Deserted angels lie sprawled on Sudder Street,
beauty broken in God's terrible neglect.

The hands of this poem are useless stumps.
They cannot even begin to turn the page.
I come from a race that has no word for despair.
My culture is purged of poverty's germs, its language
a propaganda of faith in absolute health.
I even doubt my ABC.

Perhaps I am looking in the wrong archives
for my history, checking the wrong catalogues,
tracing irrelevant titles. Perhaps I should stop
subscribing to foreign publications which inform me
of happenings on the other planets.

On Sudder Street my mind is numb.
My legs are thinking hard. They hold long dialogues
with cul-de-sacs and turn to frail candles
for illumination. I had better decide soon
whether it is health or sickness that I want.

But tonight let me take my place
among the forlorn angels of Sudder Street.

- Boey Kim Cheng

How terrorism has gripped all of us.

2009-12-28T00:39:00.005+08:00

As I took a glimpse at today's paper in the morning, I noticed the headlines that read "A Decade of Terrorism".

The first thing that came into my mind was "Man, has it been a decade already?"

Well, it hasn't been a decade yet, but we are close. Its been so long that I've already, like many other people in this world, taken terrorism as a matter of fact in life. In fact, I personally have been so numbed to terrorism that my reaction to the recent news about how Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab attempted to blow up a US airliner was just simply "oh, another one."

I still remember the night of September 11 2001. I still remember watching the two towers go up in smoke and wondering what had happened. I did not know what the term "terrorists" meant at the mere age of 13, at secondary one. The only kind of terrorists that I knew was the kind that counter-terrorists kill in Counter-Strike.

In the blink of an eye, its already been nearly a decade. The world as we know it is still in a bitter war against terrorism. The war initiated by George W.Bush is still going on in the Middle-East and it does not look like its coming any closer to an end. I, while serving in the army, played roles in combating terrorism as well.

But will the world ever return to the peace that the pre-9/11 era experienced. I know that terrorism existed pre-9/11, but its only after 9/11 that terror really struck the hearts of every single person in this world. That the war against terror was played up, that media put so much focus on terrorism.

Was there no other way to deal with this other than to FIGHT terrorism? When 9/11 happened, Bush presented the world with just 2 grim options: we either fight, or the terrorists will destroy us. And the world, gripped in fear and terror, just simply took it for granted that there were just these 2 options and supported a war that has not yield any results even today, a war that has caused only suffering and pain to innocent people in the affected countries. Terrorism has not dropped any one bit, in fact, more revenge killings occur, more revenge bombings happen with the war in Middle-East as a primary reason. The world only gets more and more chaotic. Things just keep getting messier. It just can't be helped but to wonder if we had actually went the wrong direction in this issue.

Does anyone still bear hope that terrorism will one day be a thing that we won't have to be worried about, that we will not have to be on our toes every single day of our lives, like during the pre-9/11 era?

Even Singapore, with no incidents (or rather no revealed incidents), is kept on its toes every single day. Messages and reminders for us to "Do not leave your belongings unattended, if you see any suspicious article, please inform our staff" become such a commonplace that we treat it as just another message that comes after "Door closing." Such messages did not even exist in the pre-9/11 era and you can already start to imagine how we have accepted terrorism as an inevitable part of life.

One incident of an escaped convict with a limp on his leg got the entire nation in a frenzy. You may say we just do our best to be cautious, but really, the world has been gripped by a kind of terror ever since the two majestic towers fall into a rubble, leaving only dust in its place.

I cannot help but think. How long will this era of terrorism last? Will it ever end? Will my children be able to live in an age whereby there can truly be no wars on Earth, whereby terror does not plague the heart of every single person in the world? Or will the wars ultimately be the downfall of the entire planet, just as so many others have predicted it to be?

I want to optimistic. I want to believe that everything will turn out for the better. I want to believe.

Welcome back from Holland

2009-12-28T00:19:00.003+08:00

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

- Emily Perl Kingsley, 1987, "Welcome to Holland"

So you come back from Holland amidst envy for everyone who returns from Italy and talking about Italy. Like, what the heck, Holland wasn't too bad once you removed the lenses of pessimism. But still, its one thing to be optimistic and another thing to engage in self-consolation but still believe deep in your heart that Italy was the place for you to go.

We go to different places for a reason. And once you realised this, you will begin to see how significant it was that Holland was the road less travelled, and that you were one of those who travelled this road.

As you sit at home looking at how the rest brag about their journeys in Italy, you will be able notice something others do not. You will be able to notice the ones who didn't go to Italy, you will be able to notice the ones who did not fit in.

While others are engrossed in their conversations about how beautiful Italy was, you go to the sides of the ones who were left out, and tell them about how beautiful Holland was.

You will help open their eyes to the beauty of their own travels, you will be the one who help remove the lenses of pessimism on their eyes.

You realise that it was of no coincidence that the flight plan was changed. It was for a purpose. Everything is planned. Everything is in control. You landed in Holland and returned thus for a mission.

Not everyone will be able to go to Italy. Many others get their flight plans changed as well. These are the people who need someone by their side. Not the ones from Italy. And you, from Holland, with your experiences, you are the one.

The prologue

2009-12-26T15:42:00.001+08:00

Something is happening. On his part, at least.

Everytime their eyes meet, lock, connect, there is this feeling. This feeling that he cannot put any words on. Is it a...

"Connection?" No, it was probably more than that.

"Is it lo-" Oh! He daren't even utter such a sacred word!

What is it then? What is it?

He searches deeper.

There are no words.

There is no need for words.

It is that special.

Today is J's birthday

2009-12-26T00:56:00.005+08:00

Today is J's birthday. Well, its not exactly his birthday if you want to be strict about it, its just the day he came down to join us. But still, we celebrate because we love J because of what he did for us when he came down to where we live.

So on this day, as with any other day, I was talking to G. Since it was J's birthday, I decided it would be cool to maybe ponder more about the relationship we share with other.

If you were wondering how, I talk to both G and J at the same time coz they are father and son and they live with this other guy called H. H helps with connecting me to G and J as they live in a place that's rather hard to reach. Its like... they share the same phone, ya?

When we talk, I'll tell G about whats going on in my life, thank him for some things, stuff like that, you know, just catching up. Once in awhile I'll come with a request, or a question I can't answer on my own. Sometimes he answers, sometimes he doesn't. G's like that. Some people say he always answers but you just have to listen hard coz he's a little soft-spoken. They believe that. They tell me to believe that. I tell myself to believe that.

And even when he does answer, its usually through some sort of symbolism, like a passage in the book or an event or a dream. So its really up to interpretation. That's how he works, just got to get used to it. Some say he speaks directly to them, like a voice in the head or the sound of the wind. Again, its hard to know if it was your own thoughts or interpretation. Others tell me I have to believe it is him. I tell others to believe. I tell myself to believe.

Sometimes, he sends someone else to speak in his stead, but again you can never be sure. G is that, elusive? I wonder if elusive is the right word to use.

Despite the fact that I never got to see G and J, I still believe that he is there. Not just there somewhere, but right here. There are times when I am down and I can really FEEL him. There are times when a whole bunch of us talk to him at the same time and we can all FEEL him. Its never a "sight" kind of thing. I tell myself to believe.

So that's G for you. J is his son whom he sent to join us a long long time ago so we can all be saved from something really really horrible. So the plan was this: J would be born as a human, like us, so he can live like us and show he's gone through the same thing so we can really identify with him. And then he also have to die in a way so that he can help save us from something worse than death. Its really a pretty complicated and intricate plan that G thought of.

But he had to show that J is G's son so he won't be treated like any other person. (his mission required abit of attention) So he was born out of a virgin woman and had 3 wise men come visit him after G sent some messengers with the news. But in order not to make it too extravagant, J had to be born in a manger.

And the day that J was sent here, that's today, 25th December. No one can be too sure about the date because no one was there to note it down on a PDA, but it doesn't really matter. Everyone just had to agree on the date and it was good enough.

After J was born, he lived a life like any other person and when he reached 30, set off on the mission he was intended for and finished it. And then he returned to G and all of us are saved from the disaster. The rest is history, well, literally.

Trivia

2009-12-24T00:20:00.003+08:00

Here's a fun fact that I didn't know myself, and I found it really interesting!

There's actually an order that we have to place our adjectives if we use more than one adjective before a noun. And the order goes like this:

1. Opinion
2. Size
3. Age
4. Shape
5. Colour
6. Origin
7. Material
8. Purpose

I'm sure most of you didn't know that, eh?

So if I want to describe a baby, I'll have to say, "thats a cute little 2 year old baby!" rather than "thats a 2 year old little cute baby!" The latter does sound a little odd, doesn't it? :D

An Unsent Letter. The Unsung Song.

2009-12-21T01:22:00.005+08:00

How much do you know me, really?

You may think you know me. But its probably only one side of me. If you think you know me just because you read my blog, its probably worse.

Who am I, really?

I am multi-faceted. I take on multiple roles. I am not just me.

I am me at school. I am me at church. I am me with friends. I am me with family.

I am green. I am red. I am blue. I am yellow. I am white. I am black. I am every colour you can find.

I am the student. I am the soldier. I am the christian. I am the sportsman. I am the gamer. I am the bookworm. I am the writer. I am everybody.

I am not the student. I am not the soldier. I am not the christian. I am not the sportsman. I am not the gamer. I am not the bookworm. I am not the writer. I am nobody.

I am happy. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am excited. I am all emotions.

I have faith. I have no faith.

I am the follower. I am the rebel.

I love. I hate.

I am the jack of all trades. I am the master of none. I know everything. I know nothing.

I like to sit on the fence. I like to take sides.

Yes, call me a hypocrite, actor, confused, whatever, but who's not? Who's not in this tragicomedy?

I am human.

So, who are you, really? I want to know.

Christmas Bells

2009-12-15T01:46:00.005+08:00

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along
The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till, ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime,
A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound
The Carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
‘There is no peace on earth,’ I said;
‘For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!’

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
‘God is not dead; nor doth he sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men!’

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1864

Its never peace on Earth, its never a perfect and wonderful story in the world around us. Death, diseases, wars, crimes, disasters and corruption plague our world. We can't just turn a blind eye and pretend.

But we have to believe. We have to believe that there will be peace on Earth. We have to believe that it will be a wonderful world. We have to be the light against a backdrop of darkness.

Thats what being Christian is about. The bells will keep ringing. We will keep believing. God will keep working.

FFX-2 Loves

2009-12-12T02:40:00.003+08:00

One thing I love about FFX-2 is the fact that everything can be turned into joke, and certainly tickle all the funny bones in me.

I just finished chapter 4 (yes I am rushing through, eager to see how this ends) and I just witnessed probably the funniest of scenes.

Here was Brother (Yuna's secret admirer through the game) pouring his grievances to the Barkeep, a hypello (a rather dull race which everyone looks the same and shpeaks with weird accent) about how he can't seem to get Yuna's heart and blah blah... and then he says they are both born bachelors.

At this point, Barkeep tellsh him to shpeak for himshelf, and appearsh another hypello and they both embrace and kissh!

Hypellosh embracing and kisshing one another! I totally didn't see that coming. :D

Okay, maybe its just me.

The Gray

2009-12-10T18:08:00.006+08:00

I've been feeling like a rebel these days, constantly thinking about stuff that would put prompt the pastors to invite me for coffee after church. And I can't explain these feelings. Is it because I am too free, too idle, too much time to let my thoughts wander when I stare at the white and blue above me? I do not know. But I'm certainly not becoming the christian that a christian should be. Maybe I was never meant to be. I remember I was so excited to join a ministry, waiting for THE calling, but got none. I gave up eventually. Maybe He knew better. Maybe He knew it was going to come down to this. Could this be the start of my backslide? Worse, could this be the start of my christian rebellion?

Before I carry on any further, here's a little DISCLAIMER. What is going to unfold in this post can be VERY STUMBLING depending on how you choose to intepret it. If you think you can't handle the heat, CLOSE THE PAGE NOW.

Black 'n' White Christmas is happening in a week's time, and I've been thinking about black and white, and gray.

I always have a fascination for hero-villains, because they really represent the reality of our being. No one is really pure good nor pure evil (reason why I get turned off by Superman and not Batman), and if you expound on this in greater depth, good and evil are merely perceptions based on concepts developed by the people within and without. Everybody really is gray, if you want to put a colour to them.

Only recently, I was introduced to the greatest hero-villain of all, the devil Satan himself in Paradise Lost by John Milton. In the first Canto, Satan was banished from Heaven because of his sins, everyone knows this. But the Canto's protagonist, the hero is Satan, rather than God. And in this Canto, Satan and his minions tries to reason, and tries to rebuild their lives while in Hell. The story itself has its own significance, but what really strikes me is the fact Satan is the hero, or rather, hero-villain as later Cantos develop.

Paradise Lost was commented on by a couple of writers. William Blake claimed that John Milton was sympathetic towards Satan and thus making a Satan sympathiser. But really, is everything that black and white as the Bible tries to tell us? That there are only 2 sides. That God is good, Satan is evil, God is here to save you from Satan, Satan is here to harm you, period.

Sometimes I wonder, is Satan really all that evil? Could what he is doing merely be a reaction towards what God has done to him? Could Satan simply be the one that just "had to take the blame"?

I do not know what really happened on the cosmic level. I do not have the capacity to know. And I do not want to comment or even attempt to comment on such things before people start calling me blasphemous and start hurling rocks at me (or their own computer screens when reading this). But I know what is going on at our mortal level. I know that if someone has been doing bad stuff, it is Satan who caused him to do it, and if someone is doing good stuff, God must have been guiding him. You can choose to believe that, but I just feel that things are actually really gray.

Welcome back to the world of "perception". You see, what we know as "good" and "evil" is really dependent on how we perceive good and evil. For example, if I've been brought up in an environment whereby people believe that stealing is a good thing, I might just believe that stealing is a good thing, and not a bad thing as how the society might see it. Its a silly example, but its straightforward. Even in real life, it is easy to see how perceptions work to cause different beliefs in people. Ever wondered why no one in North Korea is revolting against communism despite of how almost the entire world is pointing fingers at its policies? In the film "The Village", different rules define whats good and whats sin and these rules differ from our society. Novel by Sheri Reynolds, The Rapture of Canaan, preaches the exact same thing when the simple cutting of hair or wearing of pants was considered sin and yet they naively encourages boys and girls to pray together privately, leading up to erhem... you know. (and for your information, this novel opened my eyes to how screwed up religion could become)

That said, its probably impossible to start and define what is wrong and what is right, what is black and what is white. Thats simply because these things can never come under any definition. These things are subjective. Are you going to use laws to define them? But gay marriage could be illegal one day and legal the next! Nothing is set, and we shouldn't begin to start the finger pointing when someone "sins". Do we know why they did it? Do we know how they were brought up? Do we know if it was REALLY their fault? Do we know if they knew it was wrong to do it?

When you really want to think about it, have you ever wondered why everything in the Bible is written from God's, from prophets' and from apostles' points of view? How has it affected our own perception? Of course I am not asking you to abandon the Bible and your faith, but its just really a point for one to ponder. When you think it through, it could very well strengthen your faith and provides you a deeper understanding of your own faith in God!

But of course, I am not an advocate of the devil now nor am I condoning crimes and sins, lies and murders, theft and what not you've got on your "do not try" list. These things are bad, yes, they harm others. But as the Jesus famously puts it, take the plank from your own eye before you remove the speck from other's. Do you not lie, murder (Jesus says you've done it in your head) or steal from people? But OF COURSE you have a reason, you've got an explanation, you've got a bid for forgiveness, you've got your perception to consider. How about the one you are pointing your finger at, then? Aren't we all as gray as we can be?

What's wrong?

2009-12-08T23:12:00.002+08:00

If you thought that the hot-spring scene in FFX-2 was pretty "wrong", think again.

I didn't expect it, but the massage scene definitely wins the "most wrong scene in FFX-2" award.

Imagine the horror when my TV went "ooooh...", "aahhhh....", "yesss... yess...", "you're so goood..." (all in this lusty voice)

This prompted my mom to come into my room and ask, "what are you doing?"

The scene of scantily dressed lady lying on a couch with someone on top of her totally didn't help.

Lets talk about... religion

2009-12-07T12:43:00.005+08:00

Oooh, religion, the sensitive taboo topic avoided by most people and one that is regulated by OB markers set by the government on media. But I hope I won't be transgressing any of these rules as I give my take on religion. Religion, not just Christianity.

What is "The Truth"? Is there even something such as "The Truth"? Is it just a matter of perception? Why do we believe? I will be treading on thin ice here.

Lets talk about Christianity first. As most would know, I have been a christian for as long as I can remember. I did slack off from church for a couple of years but I was still christian and still attends cell. However, I'm not exactly the type that really buys everything the church says. I have my set of beliefs and way to serve and know God and sometimes they don't exactly coincide with what the church tries to promote.

One of these is ministry. What exactly is ministry? To me, I simply believe that its service to God. However, the church does seem to give a slighty different definition to that. The church probably defines ministry as "recognizable" service to God. That is to say, your service must be one that can be seen, can be recognized, can be acknowledged or it will not be considered as ministry. And these will include, ushers, traffic marshallers, leaders, musicians etc etc.

It may seem to be very inclusive, being such an extensive group and all, but it really is not. How about the faithful members? Those who simply serve God in their own little ways? Helping out at events, encouraging fellow christians, and most importantly, living a life that reflects Christ? Must you be a leader to serve God? Must you be a musician to serve God? I sometimes do find this policy a little flawed.

As you might have guessed, I am not in a ministry and this means that sometimes I will be left out from certain events in the church. It used to be the Tuesday prayer meeting, as if only people in ministries are allowed to pray, but they changed that. And now its the Konquerors conference, which they say its "exclusively inclusive of all who are in any form of local ministry" and I'm sure they don't mean the "unseen" ministry of faithful members. And they think its funny and witty to use "exclusively inclusive". Since when is the church meant to be exclusive?

You may ask me, "why are you still serving in church then?" Well, thats because I'm not exactly affected by these politics. I serve God the way I do and I enjoy it. I enjoy helping out where I can, I enjoy meeting new people and helping them when they need help, I enjoy worshipping God together with others.

Then why do I write about it? Its not exactly to complain, but rather, to show that not everything is set in stone, perfect, the one TRUTH that is to be beheld. That the church has its own little flaws as well, fallible and open to criticisms. Although God is perfect, I have to admit that Christianity sometimes isn't.

So, if Christianity is flawed and fallible? What then is THE TRUTH that everybody is seeking? I shall introduce here what is termed as "perception".

Perception is the way you see things. It is affected by yourself, your experiences, your knowledge, the people around you and your surroundings. Simply put, its your point of view. So if you are raised a muslim, you will believe very firmly that Islam provides THE TRUTH. If you are buddhist, you will believe that Buddhism is THE TRUTH. If you are hindu, you will believe HINDUISM contains THE TRUTH. And christians will of course believe that Christianity is THE TRUTH.

I am sometimes really thankful for the fact that I am living in Singapore, a place where I can witness first-hand the fervency and faithfulness of other religious people that might even throw my own into question. If I was in a christian dominant country such as the United States, it is of course easy to say that Christianity is the ONLY truth and get away with it. But in Singapore, you really need to put alot more thought into that.

If you look at it this way, there probably isn't any TRUTH going around. A will say B is not the truth, B will say C is not the truth, C will say A is not the truth. Its like a scissors-paper-stone game, endless and inconclusive.

If thats the case, if religions simply do not provide the truth but merely perceptions, should we all become atheists and believe that there is no such thing as the truth? I do not think so. Simply because I still believe that THE TRUTH exists.

What then is, THE TRUTH? It is something that we can never grasp but something that we can only BELIEVE in. Simply put, THE TRUTH is really that which we believe in. The truth is where our beliefs are.

How then do you reconcile the different truths going around because of different beliefs and religions? There is no reconciling. One belief is no more truer than the other. How true your belief is really depends on how much you believe in. Religion is not the truth, religion guides you to it.

That said, how do you evangelise? I believe that you do not evangelise with truth. That is to say, you do not go around and try to convince and reason and argue your truth to others. You live it out, you let your beliefs show in your life and lead others to believe with you and then they can find the truth for themselves.

I cannot begin to explain the logic behind the truth or even try to prove the existence of this truth. It is beyond me. Fallible, yes, because I am merely a human trying to understand a concept greater than I. What is fallible is not the truth, is not God, but is the one that tries to explain it.

But I can only offer this, that the truth is simply what you believe.

Here's an Ichigo moment

2009-12-04T03:25:00.003+08:00

Just finished 248 and Ichigo has done it again. Here's an Ichigo moment for you.

"It attacked me!"

Like, DUH? What were you expecting?

GIRL POWER!

2009-12-03T23:37:00.006+08:00

Well, I got started on FFX-2, should I say 'finally'?

I made a real stupid mistake that caused me 5 hours of my life though. After 5 hours into the game and clearing Chapter 1, I recalled that I need 100% completion of sidequests and main story and mini-drama and what not in order to get Tidus to come back to Spira. (yes, I still want him back)

So well, I decided to go online to check out if I was on track still, and alas, I was not. I completely missed out ALL the side quests on Chapter 1 and apparently, once you missed it, you missed it. The game is that merciless and does not let me do Chapter 1 sidequests on Chapter 2.

In the spirit of wanting to get that Tidus idiot back and letting my characters have an easier time by levelling them up early in the game (my original attempt was rather difficult with them dying quickly) and to have a more fulfilling gaming experience, I decided to... yes, replay the game.

The game feels alot like a combination of Final Fantasy Tactics (with the Job system) + Sailormoon (with girl power and costume changing sequence) + Final Fantasy X (well, obviously).

And I see Shinra. I think this is the first time I see Shinra other than from FFVII. And he's this smart kid that is really good with machinery. Maybe he founded Shinra Electric.

Well, I guess its time for the girls to run the show now then. "We are Y.R.P!"

Really, so much have changed. Zarnakand, the people, their attitudes, Spira itself. And I have control of an airship right at the start. I don't know what to say.

Its 1/8 done.

2009-12-02T22:41:00.006+08:00

Yeah to me.

My exams are finally over. I feel... light.

Its my 1st time taking exams in university and I must say, its been rather difficult. I do not know if its because its been too long since I last had any academic exams, or if its just because university exams are just different from 'A' levels and 'O' levels. I just didn't know how to go about preparing for them.

In the end, after asking a few friends and looking at the scope of the exams, I did find out and defined my own method of studying. I must admit though, it wasn't easy.

For the papers itself, I have to say that its definitely manageable. But I cannot grasp even the slightest hint of how well I am going to do, because all the questions are so general and subjective, with lit being lit. So don't ask me. I am not thinking about it anyway.

Okay, enough about that. But I must mention that I went for sushi buffet today to celebrate. :D

I was reading my archives, those first few posts in my blog (yes my own archives, call me narcissist) and I really enjoyed them. Haha. *ALERT - Self-praise happening* I felt that my writing style was really cute, despite of some funny grammar and lack of paragraphing. More importantly, I really liked my own content. Its so different from what I am writing now. Something's changed in me over the past 5 years and its all recorded on this blog. Isn't that amazing? Oh my. I shall entertain myself with what I wrote for the next few days.

On a side note, I feel extremely proud that I mentioned Sigmund Freud in my paper today even though I didn't study him! That would give the examiner the illusion that I have such overflowing knowledge that I can use something that is not covered. But the fact remains that I studied him in JC. :P

And... oh yeah! Its 1/8 of my university done! That's one-eighth. Is that how you write it in english? I think so.

I am currently considering if I should switch anime or follow another manga/anime because Bleach is getting really stupid. Am considering Naruto but, geez, I am soooooooooooooooooooooo faaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr behind if I just start now. Maybe I should just go read its manga. Heard that Naruto's anime is 2/3 fillers. -_-"

Anyway, Bleach 247 just showed that Ichigo's power ranges from Getsuga Tenshou to Ultimate Getsuga Tenshou.

"He's been waiting for..." "Ichigo-kun's ultimate attack..." "GETSUGA TENSHOU!"

*bangs head on wall*

Am going to return the FFXII but then... what am I going to play?!?! Maybe FFX-2, or Kingdom Hearts, or FFVII (if I can find a PS1 Memory Card or get my PS1 back), or FFIX. Or maybe, just maybe, I might buy myself a PS3 for Christmas and then play... hur hur. :P

Pre-recorded

2009-11-28T01:09:00.002+08:00

I discovered today that only NTU has the practice of pre-recording the examination instructions such as "You may start writing", or "Please stop writing, or "You may leave the hall now". Both SMU and NUS still use the live human voice.

Don't know why examiners can get so lazy. Even such things also want to pre-record. So you end up hearing the same guy, saying the same thing, at the same tone, with the same pitch, at the same speed. Makes everything so... sian, not that exams are not sian enough.

I was thinking of using the word 'boring', but there's something in the word 'sian' that 'boring' doesn't have. This sian-ness.

And then the examiners can still mess it up by playing the wrong voice recording. There was one exam when he played "You may leave the hall now" before the exam even began. Then he hurriedly rushed to the mic and say "Sorry sorry! You may not leave the hall yet!"

Haha, we laughed. I'm not sure if we laughed at the recording or we laughed at him.

Oh Bleach... Oh Ichigo...

2009-11-27T02:04:00.003+08:00

I am getting a little sick of the disillusions that Bleach offers, especially through Ichigo.

No, you don't solve ALL your problems with Bankai. Real life doesn't work this way for goodness sake.

Oh, I got trapped. Bankai. Oh, I got chained up by some Kidou or weapon. Bankai. Oh, I got covered in sakura blade petals. Bankai. Oh, the enemy appeared (I'm not even saying they got into resurrection mode). Bankai. Oh, there's too many hollows. Bankai.

C'mon, Bankai is not the "solve-it-all" button, Ichigo. Get a little more creative than that, please. Your "Bankai + Getsuga Tenshou" move is getting too over-used already. I'm surprised that the enemies still fall for that kind of crap.

And whats with running around Hueco Mundo in a permanent Bankai mode? What are you trying to prove? And then you still get trashed.

I still remember the first time you opened your Bankai, Ichigo. I really loved it. It was AWESOME. But now... your Bankai is becoming like a Shikai, you know?